


Strange to Hear

by repairitrandy



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Dark Academia, Dead Poets Society - Freeform, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Sad and Happy, Slow Burn, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, anderperry, mlm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-28
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:48:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 28,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23355712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/repairitrandy/pseuds/repairitrandy
Summary: i whisper with my lips close to your ear,i have loved many women and men, but i love none better than you.o i have been dilatory and dumb,i should have made my way straight to you long ago,i should have blabb'd nothing but you, i should have chanted nothing but you.-walt whitman, to you~~~~~~~~basically just the plot of dead poets society but if neil and todd were a thing
Relationships: Anderperry - Relationship, Neil Perry/Todd Anderson
Comments: 16
Kudos: 60





	1. i

Dim orange light that cast a warm glow on the hoary oak walls and only faintly illuminated the rest of the dreary wooden hall made Todd Anderson increasingly drowsy. His legs ached with exhaustion and every muscle in his body was begging for a rest. He had been up since four o'clock this morning and it was nearly ten at night.

As he took his final stride and the final ancient floorboard of the boarding house creaked, Todd pushed the door to his dormitory open. Without much thought, he flopped onto his bed and a groan, muffled by his pillow, rumbled in his throat. Lazily, he pushed his shoes off his feet with his heels and without bothering to take his overcoat and tie off, Todd rolled onto his side and stared blankly at the wall that his roommate, Neil Perry's, bed was pushed up against. Neil was in a boy they called "Meeks"'s room; Todd tagged along for not more than an hour or so but his fatigue got the better of him and he slinked off without saying anything to anybody else; none of them noticed when he pushed through the crowd of six to get out the door; they were too busy debating the logistics of some short story they had all enjoyed.

With a deep inhale, Todd lazily rolled onto his back. He pushed the breath out of his nose and watched his chest deflate. He sucked in another deep breath and became further captivated by the gentle rise and fall of his own chest. Today had been his first day at Welton Academy and upon meeting dozens of new professors and peers, the introverted Todd Anderson bathed in the solitude of his empty dormitory. He allowed his heavy lids to fall and his mind to drift and lull itself to sleep.

"WHAU!"

Todd sat up with a jolt. He was on the brink of slumber when the call from his roommate shot him directly out of his almost zen state. Todd rubbed his bleary eyes with his knuckles and blinked languidly at the lanky boy who kicked the door closed with his foot and tossed his jacket onto the bed. "What a day!" He exclaimed, his hands working hastily at his necktie. As he watched Neil undo his tie, Todd became aware of his attire and subconsciously worked at the knot in his tie. He stifled a yawn and his pupils followed Neil, who occupied himself with unbuttoning his shirt and yanking his trousers off. Todd diverted his gaze to his own dress pants. Briefly and wordlessly he debated getting up to change out of his attire but decided against it in favor of his comfort. Todd turned over onto his side again and observed silently as Neil, who was now completely clothed again, sat down at the desk on his side of the room and began to scribble on a loose sheet of paper. "I'll tell you one thing," he said aloud, "I, for one, am not anticipating this school year!"  
Todd still stared at Neil, captivated by his hand moving sporadically on the paper. He opened his mouth to ask what he was writing, but his tongue failed to form the sentence. Neil's head shot up and at the speed of light he darted across the room and rummaged around in his suitcase. Todd cocked a brow and waited for the other boy to find what he was looking for. It didn't take long for Neil to dig out whatever he wanted because just as Todd thought about sitting up to peer over the end of his bed, Neil's head popped up, a massive grin on his face and his dark hair hanging limply over his forehead like a horse's forelock. His smile pushed gentle dimples into his cheeks and his blocky brows raised and revealed Neil's round brown eyes. Todd offered a quizzical look and Neil scuttled to his bedside and slammed a small gold coin onto the sheets. Todd's voice was weak, "What is it?" He said.

"My mother gave it to me- said it's worth some sum of money." Neil beamed. His face lingered just inches from Todd's. The light-haired boy sat up on his bed. He tilted his head and picked up the coin. It was about the size of a nickel, but was gold and had foreign markings in another language, perhaps Latin, on it. He gently handed it back to Neil, who launched himself into his bed and set the coin down on his bedside table.

"Why did you need to take it out right now?" Todd yawned.

"I just wanted to make sure I still had it. I'm writing in my journal," Neil explained.

Silence fell over the room after the brown-haired boy spoke and Todd allowed his eyes to close once more and his body to become heavy and cement itself to the rock-hard mattress.

"Todd," he said as he pulled his blanket over himself, "why are you still in your clothes?"

Todd shrugged and began to pull his clothes off and toss them to the end of the bed. He glanced hastily at Neil, who busied himself with punching and squeezing his pillow, before getting up and pulling a new pair of pajamas from his suitcase. He put them on quickly and returned to bed. Before laying down he turned the lamp on his bedside table off and the already dim room was now even more caliginous. The sharp features of Neil's angular face cast fierce shadows onto himself. His eyes still managed to radiate light, even in the lack of night. Todd's mind wandered; although he was not at all interested in men, Neil was truly the most attractive boy Todd had ever seen; his face was the perfect balance of soft and compassionate and stringent and strict; Todd couldn't tell if he envied or admired the way his nose sloped gently into a sharp point and his lips moved like gentle waves. Sure, he never particularly disliked his sandy brown hair and upturned nose, but then he compared his face to Neil's, Todd's appearance seemed grisly and awkward. "Why'd you leave?" Neil asked, leaning on his elbow.

"Huh?" Todd inquired, his thoughts being breached.

"Meeks' room." Neil glanced briefly in the direction of the door. "You didn't say anything when you left- why?"

"Oh," he said. "I dunno. I didn't think anybody would notice."

"I did," Neil said plainly.

Todd's heart fluttered in his chest upon hearing Neil say that. He stifled a smile and shrugged. He looked at Neil from under his brows before leaning his head on the pillow and averting his look to the dark corner where the slanted ceiling met the walls. He heard the lanky boy shift in his bed, and from the corner of his eye, Todd watched Neil gaze out the large window that was centered between the beds. "The moon is out," he said, "I bet you can see the moonlight if we shut off all the lights." A smirk danced on his lips. Todd giggled and watched while Neil drew back the sheer white curtains and turned off his lamp. He blinked against the dark and his eyes quickly adjusted.

Pale gray light filtered in through the six-paned window and cast beams of white light into the room. The moonbeams turned Todd's hands an almost sickly white when he reached them beyond the side of his bed. Todd's eyes trailed around the dimly lit, monotonous room before finally resting on Neil's face. He sat comfortably in the window frame with his feet leaned against one side of the indented wall and his back against the parallel side. He emitted a fair luster and his gentle gaze remained fixated on Todd. His cheeks burned under his easy gaze and Todd was impossibly grateful for the way the moonlight obscured color. A gentle smile pulled on Neil's lips before he slid down from the window and placed himself next to Todd. "Isn't it gorgeous?" He whispered. Todd nodded and stared down at his hands. His fingers tangled themselves intricately around one another and didn't untangle themselves or allow Todd to look away from their complex knot until Neil returned to his own bed.

"You're very quiet," Neil commented.

"Sorry," Todd scoffed.

"Don't apologize; it's refreshing. Everyone I speak to is always so loud all of the time," The dark-haired boy sighed, sprawling out on his bed. "Tell me about yourself though, Todd,"

Hearing his name spill from Neil's lips sparked something inside of Todd that he couldn't piece together the proper words for. He wiped the stupid smile from his face and said, "What'do you wanna know?"

"You have a brother." Neil sounded near certain about the statement.

Todd nodded, "Jeff,"

"You guys close?" Neil gazed over his shoulder.

"Not really," Todd shrugged.

"I always wished I'd had a brother," Neil said, smiling wistfully, "I figured that if I did my father would lay off me a little bit."

Todd pursed his thin lips in response. His sleepy eyes rested on the lumps that his legs formed under the duvet. "How're your parents, Todd?" The boy across the room said.

"Okay," His head lolled tiredly onto his shoulder, "they expect a lot from me because of my brother."

"You seem bright though," Neil replied.

"Not compared to Jeff,"

"Oh, don't say that!" The brown-haired boy sprung up from his bed and strode into the streaks of pale moonlight in the center of the room. His figure was merely a silhouette but that didn't make him any less intimidating to Todd. "You can't compare yourself to him."

Todd shrugged absentmindedly and laid down on his side. He fought against the magnetic force of his eyelids to keep his eyes open. He phased in and out of consciousness and part of him regretted staying up to talk to his roommate; Neil would always be around to talk anyways. Todd allowed his eyes to close and he laid stagnant in his bed. The muted creak of tired wooden floorboards disturbed the thick silence that hung over Todd like a fog. Neil's bed groaned under his weight as he laid back down and once the eternity of squeaking had finally ended, Neil whispered, "Are you happy?"

"Hmm?" Todd hummed lazily, not fully processing the question he was being asked.

"Are you happy?" Neil repeated, "Like, are you content with yourself?"  
"I suppose,"

"I think you should be happy, Todd," Neil said softly.

A cold flutter rattled Todd's heart and his stomach somersaulted. He smiled and hid his face in his arms. "Thank you, Neil," he whispered, "you too."

"I'm working on it."

"Where'd that question come from, anyways?" Todd chuckled.

"Dunno," Neil said, "I was just wondering. You've seemed so somber all day."

"I'm jus' tired," the sandy-haired boy muttered.

"Sorry. Do you want to sleep now?"

"I'd appreciate it, but if you still have any dire questions that you need answers to, I can stay up just a little while longer,"

"It's alright. Goodnight, Todd,"

"Goodnight,"

A comfortable silence fell over the boys again. Todd sighed once and rolled over so that he was facing the wall. He imagined that Neil was a great deal of fun to spend time with while you were fully awake, but having a private interview with him was not exactly the ideal activity for while Todd was on the cusp of slumber and he was unable to process anything he was saying before it tumbled from his mouth.

"I know I said that I'd let you sleep but can I let you in on a secret? You can't tell anyone," Neil whispered.

"What is it?" Todd mumbled, trying his best to mask the annoyance in his tone.

"I hate this damn school." Todd said, "I can't be myself here; I hate it. I love everyone I've met here, like my friends and all that, but God, this place is a living Hell," Todd cringed upon hearing the bitterness of his tone.

"I'm sorry about that," Todd said.

"I'll be out of here soon," Neil declared. "Sorry for keeping you up. Goodnight, Todd."  
"Goodnight, Neil. Sleep well." A wave of relief washed over him as he finally allowed himself to become fully consumed by sleep.


	2. ii

"Todd!"

"Wake the hell up, man,"

Todd blinked the sleep out of his eyes and gasped upon seeing nothing but Neil's face just inches from him. "Wha...?" the sandy-haired boy croaked. Neil jumped to his wardrobe and flung his belt through the loops of his pants with reckless abandon. Todd yawned and pulled his blanket up to his chin. His vision faded and the rustling of Neil hastily dressing himself dwindled.

A sharp tug at his hair woke him up again. "Fucker!" Todd barked, swatting Neil's hand away. A flurry of anger exploded from Todd's gut as he sat up and saw Neil's face again, this time more frustrated and urgent.

Neil firmly planted his hands on Todd's face, "Wake up!" he shouted with no regard for the reek of his morning breath in Todd's face, "We're gonna be late for breakfast, Todd, get up!"

Todd slowly pulled himself out of bed, his burst of anger simmering down, and trudged to his suitcase and pulled out a pair of pants and a loose sweater. It was Sunday, so he had no real reason to dress up, and being that he was still barely conscious, he would rather not have to wear a shirt that would take him more than half a second to pull on.

"Oh my God, hurry! We're gonna get in trouble, let's go!" Neil exclaimed. He snatched Todd's hand and yanked him out of the door. Todd jumped to get his sneakers on and stumbled over his own legs as he was being pulled like an old dog on a leash by Neil. They whipped around a corner and although he tripped and faltered with each stride, he didn't bother to free his hand from Neil's firm and clammy grip. The dark-haired boy looked back at Todd, whose cheeks were flushed and his hair tangled and some tufts sticking upright. He smiled at the boy's silly appearance and skidded to a halt. Todd nearly fell over his own feet when Neil stopped short. He stumbled and held tightly onto Neil's shoulders to catch his fall. The taller boy giggled and pulled Todd upright, hastily working with his hair with his tongue between his teeth. Butterflies danced in Todd's belly and he forced his eyes downwards to his untied shoes as Neil's fingers continued to work their way through his hair.

"I think it's okay," Todd said bashfully.

"It's good enough," Neil added. He continued to fidget with the sandy locks despite what he had said. "Tie your shoes."

Todd bent down and hastily knotted his laces. He bounced back up to eye level with Neil and simpered upon making eye contact. Neil smiled softly, his gaze was lax as his fingers wrapped around Todd's thin wrist and he started down the hall, not letting go of Todd.

The smaller boy let out a sigh as he attempted to keep his mind from wandering to the odd thought that Neil was somehow attractive to him, which he wasn't he just liked the compassionate and welcoming vibe that radiated from Neil. He tried his best to ignore Neil's grip on his arm and the way their shoulders overlapped as they strode briskly through the halls with smug smiles dancing on their lips, both boys greatly aware of the scolding they were going to receive for being thirty minutes late to breakfast. "This is your fault, Anderson," Neil sniggered, a mischievous smirk on his face, "I'll take the blame this time, but it's your fault."

Todd smiled and slipped his hands into his pockets when Neil let go of his wrist and opened the door to the dining hall. "Nice of you to show up, Perry!" Someone yelled. Todd didn't immediately remember his name, but it might've been Knox, or maybe Charlie; they looked similar.

"I stayed up late, let me live!" Neil laughed, assuming an empty spot at the end of the table next to Meeks. Todd apprehensively seated himself next to the boy they called Pitts. He muttered a quiet hello and looked in the direction of Neil's seat. He was laughing loudly with Meeks and a spark of anxiety was lit inside of Todd. He settled his gaze on his hands and waited for Neil to get up to get his food so he could follow him to the kitchen.

"You guys got lucky," Charlie, who sat next to Meeks muttered, "Nolan didn't notice you two weren't here."

"Thank God," Neil chuckled, "it was all his fault anyways!" He gestured to Todd.  
Todd smiled uncomfortably and shifted in his seat.

"Oh, I see," Meeks sneered, "you guys are queers,"

Todd's heart jumped into his throat and he shook his head hastily, opening his mouth to defend himself. The last thing he needed was his new group of friends immediately alienating him because they thought he was snogging their best friend.

"Oh yeah, and Charlie's got a girl," Neil said. Todd let out a breathy laugh of relief when Neil rolled his eyes and dramatically rolled his eyes in Todd's direction.

"Woah, woah, woah!" Charlie yelled, waving his hands in the air, "why are you bringing me into this? Meeks was the one who accused you of-"

"There's nothing he can use against me, that's why," Meeks said slyly with a brow raised under his curly ginger mop.

"Alright, enough," Neil smiled, "I'm getting food, you coming Todd?"

Todd nodded and hurriedly trotted over to Neil, who was already halfway to the kitchen. Once he matched Neil's stride, he tugged on the knitted sleeve of his sweater and whispered, "They don't really think I'm a queer, right?" Just asking the question sparked anxiety inside of him. He trusted that Neil wouldn't patronize him for asking that question but the off chance that Neil thought that Todd was so sensitive about the subject because he was actually gay terrified him.

Neil giggled, "Of course not." he stopped and looked over Todd's shoulder before his eyes rested on the sandy-haired boy's again, "are you gay?" he said into his ear.

Todd shook his head rapidly, "No!" he said defensively, "That's- no. I'm not gay." He pushed his sandy locks out of his eyes, which bugged out wildly as he desperately searched Neil's face for a sense of doubt.  
"Okay," Neil shrugged. He parted his lips briefly, but turned around and grabbed a cup of yogurt and an apple instead. Todd debated asking what it was that Neil was going to say, but decided he was probably better off not knowing anyways, not like it would make a difference to Todd either way.

Todd grabbed an apple and scurried back to his seat. He took a bite and scanned the hall; its high ceilings reached to the sky and dusty, old windows allowed warm streaks of morning light to stretch inside and create cozy, warm yellow boxes on the hardwood floors. Flaking and fading paintings hung on the wall, each work of art boxed in by a rich golden frame with gold detailing that glimmered and shined in the bright light of the morning. One with a group of boys lined up neatly with straight faces caught his attention. He studied each of their faces carefully and just as he began to daydream about who each of the boys were, Neil's shout interrupted his serenity yet again.

"What's good with you? You're so quiet!" He beamed.

"Sorry," Todd whispered, forcing a smile. He shifted in his seat and debated getting up to go back to the room so he wouldn't have to put up with the commotion of the dining hall, he knew that Neil would pull him arms out of their sockets to get him to stay and socialize but he wouldn't be impossible to shake off.

"Sorry about him, fellas," Neil said, his eyebrows raised as he extended an arm towards Todd, "he's a real chatterbox- kept me up all night!" Todd scoffed and took a small bite from his apple, looking down at the fruit to avoid eye contact with the group of boys that surrounded him. He listened in on the gossip between all the group but still opted to stay quiet; he knew that if he spoke he'd make a fool out of himself and he'd wind up being the butt of all of their dim-witted jokes. Knox was complaining about some dinner he had to go to across town and Charlie joked with him about how maybe the love of his life would be there. Todd almost laughed at Knox's snarky response regarding some past sexual experience Charlie had. Despite doing the absolute most to keep out of the conversation, Neil yanked him in by declaring, "You all are getting it wrong- if anyone here's the stud it's for sure Anderson,"

"Neil," Todd hissed under his breath. His cheeks flushed cherry red as he hid his face in his hands. The gaggle of boys laughed and clapped Todd's shoulders and bombarded him with uncomfortable questions he didn't have answers to. He glared at Neil through the spaces between his fingers, wagging his head in despair.

"Aw, lighten up!" Cameron, the ginger with exceptionally crooked teeth and an equally crooked attitude towards almost everything chimed in, "He's only kidding with you!"  
"Alright, boys, out!" The headmaster shouted from the platform above them. Todd huffed out a sigh of relief and hurried out of the dining hall and back to his room before Neil or any of his friends had the chance to catch up with him. He shouldered his way through the crowds of boys, muttering 'Excuse me's and apologies as he navigated each small opening between chattering groups. He jogged the last few steps and practically threw himself into the room and slammed the door behind him. He hunkered down onto his bead and watched Neil, Charlie, and Knox slip through the door as he stifled a groan.

"It's alright, Todd, we aren't here to bug you," Knox smiled. Todd nodded slowly and moved back so he leaned against the wall. The trio sat down and Charlie placed a cigarette between his lips. He lit it and sucked a breath in, exhaling with a great sigh as he passed the stick to Knox. They each took a turn inhaling the tobacco before Neil held out the cigarette for Todd, raising his brows quizzically. The blond shrugged and took a deep drag, allowing the smoke to fill his lungs, properly burning them until they stung and emitting the fumes from his body with a hefty choke. He'd only smoked once before this occasion a few months ago when his brother came home for the summer; he would smoke each night at around midnight and one day Todd came in and his brother offered him a smoke. Out of curiosity, he accepted, but he never found any particular pleasure in the activity nor did he find himself craving the nicotine, so he never picked a cigarette up again after that night.

He passed the cigarette back to Neil, who just held it between his lips without inhaling as he said, "Common room at twelve?"

"Perfect." Charlie replied, exchanging an affirmative look with Knox, who nodded in agreement.

"Todd?" Neil asked.

"I don't really know-"

"Aw, c'mon! You'll be awake by then! We all wanna get to know you!" Knox begged.

"No..." Todd shook his head, "I think I need a minute to myself."  
"We'll go into Meeks's room right now. Meet us at the common by twelve, yeah?" Neil bargained.

"Fine." Todd sighed. The three whooped and Neil tossed the last of the cigarette to Neil as they left the room.

.~.

Todd trudged down the hall to the commons, his hands jammed into his pockets and a scowl cemented onto his face. He would rather do anything but this; he liked the boys that Neil hung out with but besides the three hours between breakfast and his arrival at the common room, he had not had more than three minutes of cherished alone-time. He knew he could not just get away with slinking away into a corner and not speaking because regardless of whether or not he wanted to speak Neil and his friends would drill him with questions that Todd didn't have answers to, like what he wanted to do with his future, or where he wanted to go to college. He didn't have it all figured out like they did, and him attending Welton in itself was a mistake- Todd did not belong here by any means. He was not half as intelligent as his brother and he didn't enjoy being around people like he did.

Todd sighed and pushed open the door to the common room, forcing a smile as Neil welcomed him with an arm around his shoulder and a half-joking, "Look who decided to show up!" He muttered a quiet hello and plopped down on the couch that sat perpendicular to the unlit stone fireplace. The room was relatively quiet, being that only Neil and the five boys he hung out with were in there. The artificial beep of Meeks and Pitts's radio satellite was the only truly distinguishable sound amongst the soft murmur of the voices of Cameron and Knox as they worked on some overdue summer assignment for chemistry. Charlie and Neil chatted on the couch parallel to Todd's about the clubs they were in. Neil said something about acting and Charlie exploded into a fit of laughter, "Your dad barely lets you edit the annual, what makes you think he'll let you act?" He cackled.

Neil's face sunk briefly but found new determination when he declared, "I'm quitting the annual anyway- my chances are higher now that I'm doing less." Charlie jeered at Neil, who was now standing with his arms outstretched, "Look, I can do it! Give me a line, Dalton!"

"Uhh," Charlie glanced around the room hastily. "I like to see a man proud of the place in which he lives. I like to see a man live so that his place will be proud of him..?"

"Ahh!" Neil gleamed, "I like to see a man," he started in a deep and dramatic voice, stalking around the coffee table that was between the couches as he put on a comically confident voice, "proud of the place in which he lives!"

Todd giggled as Neil passed by him and stepped onto the arm of the couch, placing one hand over his heart and the other behind his back and brilliantly puffing his chest out, "So that his place-" he hopped onto the coffee table and leaned down and grabbed Todd's hands, urging him to stand on the table with him. Todd shook his head, a smirk still dancing on his lips. Neil nodded rapidly and jerked Todd up with him, still grasping his hands firmly, "-will be proud of him!"

Charlie cackled and Todd laughed, not bothering to free his hands from Neil's grip despite the fact he was growing increasingly aware of how perfectly his hands fit into Neil's, which were somewhat smaller and bonier than his, but not so much so that they were uncomfortable to hold.

"Give me another, Chuck!" Neil shouted.

"Huhmmm..." Charlie smirked, "O Romeo, o Romeo?"

Todd's heart spring to his throat and he looked worryingly at Neil, half-hoping he'd let go but also somehow wishing he'd hold on and recite the lines from the tragic romance to him as he held his hands with the same intensity as he had been.

With a deep inhale, Neil began, "Oh Romeo, oh Romeo!" He cried, letting go of Todd with one hand to extend it towards a fake audience. Todd did the best to hide his flushed face under his hair. "Wherefore art thou, Romeo?" He turned towards Todd and smiled brilliantly. Todd looked away as Neil continued, "Deny thy father and refuse thy name-" He entwined his finger's with Todd's and leaned in to shout, "Or if thou will not, be but sworn my love-" with utmost dramaticity lowered his voice to a soft and hushed tone as he said into Todd's ear, "And I'll no longer be a Capulet."

"Nice one, Juliet!" Knox applauded.

"Why thank you, Mister Dalton!" Neil bowed, unfazed by the fact that he had just quoted the world's most lionized romance directly into Todd's ear. The blond stepped down and returned to his spot on the couch. Neil followed him and ruffled the sandy locks, "Sorry about that one, pal," He smiled.

Todd pressed his lips tightly together and sucked in a heavy breath to calm his nerves which caused his leg to bop rapidly against the floor as he scrambled to hide his burning crimson cheeks from everyone else. The most of him regretted showing up to begin with; he could've easily avoided this embarrassment by just flaking out- simultaneously, though, butterflies danced wildly and pleasantly in his belly and his heart swelled with joy and a touch of adoration.

He pushed the latter away into the back of his mind and centered his attention on restoring his heart rate to what it should be.


	3. iii

Neil's lamp was the only source of light in the otherwise dark room. The aura reached just the footboard of his bed and left Todd's side mostly dark but just light enough to make out the orange-tinted outlines of the shapes of his blankets he laid under. Hushed whispers of barely intelligible sentences came from Neil, who was slouched over on his bed copying the chemistry homework from Todd's notebook.

The blond stared blankly into the abyss beyond the footboards, his hands folded neatly over his lap and while his head hung to the side as if his neck was too weak to support the weight of his skull. "Neil," he said quietly, "did how much of Romeo and Juliet do you have memorized?"

"Not much," Neil said, "why?"

"You quoted a lot earlier,"

"I know." Neil leaned over across his bed and slid his books onto the desk. He sat up against the wall and yawned, "I jus' memorized that bit because last year we put on a little production and Charlie thought it'd be funny if I was Juliet. He made me wear a wig," he laughed.

Todd tittered and rolled over and propped himself up on his elbow. "They think that I'm for sure a queer now," he said, his voice swamped with shame and embarrassment.

"No," Neil shook his head, "they could see that I was the one who dragged you into it- nobody thinks you're a queer." He paused for a long moment, the silence between them was tense and smothered Todd like a thick quilt. "Why do you care so much if they think you're gay? They don't hate you and I doubt they ever will- they don't care enough to hate anybody." Neil explained with a chuckle. Through the dim haze of orange, Todd could make out Neil cocking a brow and looking quizzically to him, "Are you...?" he whispered.

"N-no..." Todd stammered, "I'm not gay."

"I don't care if you are. Just for the record," Neil stated.

"Okay. I'm not. So it doesn't matter," Todd declared, "and even if I was, I wouldn't tell you." His words got stuck in his throat and his voice cracked on the last syllable.

"Why not?"

"Why should I?"

Neil didn't reply and Todd rolled over onto his other side and stared at the wall. Neil shifted in his bed and left out a loud, breathy sigh. The click of Neil's lamp and the wave of darkness that washed over the room signified that he was going to sleep. While Todd was grateful that Neil didn't stay up to interview him, something inside of him wished that he would say one final thing besides the soft "Good night, Todd," that was muffled by his blankets over his mouth. Todd smiled to himself and murmured a quiet 'good night' in response.

Shamefully, as he closed his eyes and pulled his blankets up to his chin, Todd imagined Neil asking him questions that he'd pretend to be unwilling to answer, like if he had a girlfriend, what type of music he liked, what his favorite novel was, and whether or not he was bothered by his friends. Todd would groan and act like he was annoyed and tell Neil that he's had one girlfriend when he was fourteen but she told him he was boring and too shy and then broke up with him (but leave out the part where she said he was too skinny and he looked like a mouse), that he didn't listen to music very often because the turntable his brother handed down to him when he moved out was broken and he didn't like going into the family room to listen to what he liked, but when he was home alone he'd listen to Buddy Holly. He'd explain that he really enjoyed Lord of the Rings, but hasn't had much time to read since last spring, and he'd lie and say that he loved Neil's friends when truthfully, they scared the hell out of him. To Todd's dismay, Neil's breathing was slow and quiet snores echoed in the dull room by the time he finished daydreaming.

Todd shifted in his bed once more so that he could look at the sloped ceiling above his bed. If the headmaster allowed it, he'd love to put up pictures and posters around the room. He didn't have more than two close friends at home, Samuel and Walter, but he'd tape pictures of him and them together on his wall, a few pictures of his dog and his cats, and maybe a couple of him and his brother. People would ask about his brother though since he was a senior while Todd and everyone else were freshmen. Jeffery was well-known and well-liked by teachers and students all throughout the school and everybody knew who he was; a stark contrast from Todd, who was the last person on anybody's mind. He sighed and closed his eyes, welcoming the first thought that wandered into the forefront of his brain- Neil.

He thought about his Romeo and Juliet scene and his hands felt in Neil's, and the way that he so shamelessly used Todd as the figure for the character that he, as Juliet, was infatuated with. Todd imagined Neil laying next to him and quoting stupid, cheesy Shakespeare into his ear as he fell asleep with Neil's fingers tangling themselves in Todd's hair-

Todd pinched himself out of his thoughts and blinked the vision away. He leaned over and squinted through the obscurity to see Neil's face. His blankets were draped over his head so just his nose and gently parted lips were exposed. Todd sighed to himself and closed his eyes, attempting to fall asleep once more while blockading himself against the thought of his roommate.

*~*

Keating's class was business as usual- Todd was in a daze for his teacher's entire lesson about poetry and poets that were 'masters of their craft' and others that whose names had no business being remembered. The blond glanced over his shoulder once or twice when Neil would speak, and each time his roommate glanced in his direction when he'd catch him staring, the butterflies in Todd's stomach were sent into a frenzy. As much as Todd loved the excitement of his emotions, he was overrun by gut-churning guilt that snapped at his ankles and plagued his thoughts. Todd knew what he felt, but never in a million years would he openly say 'Neil Perry is the most wonderful, most gorgeous human I have ever met and I would give all the money in the world just for him to feel the same about me' for saying such atrocities would make his feelings real, and his feelings being real would make him just as abominable as the way he thought about Neil.

Once the class was over, he was the last to leave the room after all the boys filed out, shouting and whining about the assignment they received. Everyone had to write a poem and read it aloud to the class. Todd was no stranger to writing poetry, he spent the majority of his summer invested in writing poems and reading books that were inches thick and stocked from cover to cover with absolute works of art, but Todd would rather die than share what he wrote with somebody else.

"I'm damn near starved!" Meeks announced as he walked backward, facing the rest of the group that followed close behind him at a brisk pace.

"Tell me about it!" Knox scoffed, "Keating really wore me out today- a whole poem due tomorrow?"

"It isn't that bad," Neil said, "he never said it had to be long,"

"Shut up, Perry!" Charlie laughed, "You have no say."

Todd glanced over at Neil, who walked closely next to him. Neil rolled his eyes and turned and whispered to the blond, "At least I'm literate,"

Todd repressed a laugh and dipped away from the crowd that surrounded him and scuttled back to his dorm. The rest of the boys were off to lunch and although Todd new very well how much trouble he could be in if he was caught skipping lunch, it somehow seemed worth it for half an hour of alone time. He tossed his books down on his bed and sat down at his desk, pulling an apple that he smuggled from the dining hall during breakfast out of his drawer. He took a bite and pulled out a notebook and began scribbling down each idea that crossed his mind. The majority of them were about Todd's current ordeal and as much as he wanted to write about it, he knew that presenting something like that to the class would have him interrogated and teased by everybody he spoke to-especially Neil- for the rest of the semester. He sighed and jotted down a few lines without thought. He allowed his emotions to move onto the page with each stroke of his hand. He grew enveloped and totally lost in his poem, and only after it was too late to toss the notebook into the drawer did he realize that Neil had entered and was shuffling papers around on his desk. "Why'd you skip lunch?" he asked.

"I wanted to be alone," Todd said as he closed his notebook and looked over his shoulder. Neil looked back at Todd, an expression of disappointment on his face, and sighed before clicking away at his typewriter. He muttered a few words to himself under his breath and Todd debated continuing on about how he wasn't extroverted and that he needed to be alone and Neil had no right to react badly to Todd skipping lunch especially because he didn't know him all that well and had no authority over him, but he kept his mouth shut. He debated going over to sit on Neil's bed and ask him what he was doing. He knew that Neil would tease him for being a hypocrite but that didn't bother him, so against everything that Todd said barely two minutes prior, he walked over to Neil's bed and sat down, leaning against the footboard.

"Yes?" Neil jeered.

"What're you doing?" Todd asked with faux confidence.

"Typing up a report," Neil furrowed his brows, "I thought you wanted to be alone."

"I'm bored,"

"You had an older brother, right?"

"Yes, why?"

"Did you annoy him like this?"

A pang of guilt affected Todd's chest as he stammered and looked for a witty reply, his lips fumbling to form a sentence. Neil laughed as he pushed Todd's head back, "I'm only kidding, Todd,"

Todd forced a laugh and rolled his eyes. Neil's hand remained firmly planted on Todd's forehead, which burned in embarrassment as he forced his eyes downwards to avoid Neil's gaze. He pulled his head away from Neil's hand but the brunet moved forward and pushed his head sideways, causing Todd to lose his balance and halfway fall onto his side. Todd grinned and retaliated, scrambling over the bed to push Neil's head. Neil dodged and stood up, skittering to Todd to bat him again. Todd dipped under Neil's arm and stood on his bed. Neil scoffed and pulled Todd's legs so he fell sideways onto his mattress with a yelp. Neil swatted at his cheek and Todd gasped, sitting up and reaching at Neil's arm to pull him down. Without hesitation, the brunet grabbed Todd's hand and held it tightly in his own. Todd gazed up at Neil, whose face was adorned with a smirk, "Try that again, Anderson," he teased. Todd pulled his hand out of Neil's grasp and he chuckled, sitting back in his bed. "I'm going for a walk, you coming?" Neil asked. Todd nodded and followed his roommate through the halls.

Crisp air spited the warm sun that emitted golden refulgence throughout the west side of the campus. The early autumn air stung Todd's nose, but the sweet odor of decaying leaves that littered the ground- tarnishing the carefully cut lawn that was still a deep green with their rich auburn and bright yellows and deep reds. The dying vegetation rained from the trees and fluttered delicately into the lake, floating atop the water that sat so stagnant the reflections that rested upon the water were mirror images of the true figures. Neil walked onto the brief pier, disturbing the serenity of the water. He scooped a stick as he sat down on the edge of the pier and began beating at the water with it, his eyes intently focused on the ripples he created. "What are you doing?" Todd laughed as he situated himself next to Neil so that their kneecaps touched.

"I don't even now," Neil said as he shook his head, "God! I feel so..." he paused to search for the right words, "weird. I feel like nothing right now is going as it should be and-"

"I understand," Todd interrupted, "I feel the same." His eyes settled on Neil's face, which was still glued to the water even though he dropped the stick and the ripples were completely gone. He sighed and leaned his head on Todd's shoulder, his hands folded neatly in his lap. Todd swallowed heavily and leaned his cheek on Neil's head. He sucked in a staggered breath and blew out harshly in a lame attempt to rid his mind of the thought that he had feelings for Neil Perry and they were, at this point, beyond denying. Tears of guilt welled up in his eyes and he blinked them away praying that Neil would not notice, which to Todd's distress, he did fairly quickly once a rogue tear slipped from Todd's eyes and landed on Neil's forehead.

"Is it rai- Todd?" Neil asked as he hastily lifted his head and saw Todd's tearful eyes and rosy cheeks. "What happened? Are you okay?"

The blond's lips quivered and he mustered a cry with a mere squeak from his throat. He opened his mouth to say that he was alright and there wasn't anything wrong but was betrayed by a sob that racked his body and sent tears pouring down his cheeks. Neil grabbed his shoulders in a panicked frenzy as Todd buried his face in his hand and blubbered and mumbled incoherently. "What did I do?" Neil pleaded. Todd continued to sob as Neil held his shoulders and repeated that it was okay to him.

Todd leaned his head into the crook of Neil's neck and Neil pulled his arms around Todd's small figure. "I'm sorry," Todd sniffled. He closed his eyes and bathed in the feeling of Neil's embrace; he knew that it was nothing more than a friendly gesture from his friend, but the idea that Neil loved Todd and was using his distress as an excuse to get physically closer to him swamped Todd's mind. He took a deep breath and dropped the tension from his shoulders with another cry. "I'm sorry," he repeated.

"Don't apologize," Neil said quietly, his voice soft, "what happened?"

"You're gonna hate me- GOD!" Todd's shout was muffled by Neil's sweater.

"I'm not going to hate you, Todd, just tell me what happened," Neil pleaded.

Todd shook his head and pulled away from Neil. He did everything he could to avoid making eye contact with his roommate. He stood up wordlessly and trudged down the pier watching his feet until he reached the grass. "Todd! What's up?" Meeks grinned as he trotted up to the blond, "Oh shit, are you okay?"

"I'm alright. I'll see you around," Todd looked back down at his feet and did not look up until he made it to his room. He stared scornfully at the wall; there was no logical reason for him to make such a scene and he felt like an idiot for wailing like a baby in front of Neil for no good reason at all. He leaned back on the balls of his feet, closed his eyes, inhaled, and at the top of his lungs with all the might and wind in his body, yelled, "FUCK!" just prior to throwing himself onto his bed and staring blankly at the floor. 

*~*

"Todd?"

"Hmm?"

"Were you sleeping?" 

Todd turned over to see Neil standing before him, his hands jammed into his pockets as he uncomfortably shifted on the balls of his feet. "No, why?" He mumbled. His eyes were heavy with the remnants of tears which also pulled at his face and made his cheeks feel droopy. 

"Uh, we're all going out to the diner and I was wondering if you'd like to come, you know, to get your mind off things," Neil suggested with a hint of a smile on his face. 

Todd sat up and sighed as his eyes met Neil's. He really could go for a milkshake, but being alone in the dorm sulking sounded much more appealing. "I don't know," Todd said. 

"Come on, I'll pay for you." Neil offered his hand for Todd to take. 

Todd pulled himself out of bed and ran his hands through his hair and rubbed his eyes as he jammed his shoes onto his feet and turned to face Neil, beckoning with his head towards the door. Neil smiled and walked out as Todd opened the door wordlessly. They continued down the dim corridor in silence, their legs moving in unison as they approached the rest of the group. "He's alive!" Knox yelled in a lame attempt at an impression of Doctor Frankenstein. Todd offered a forced smile and followed at Neil's heels to the exit of the building. 

"You got permission for us to go off campus, right Neil?" Cameron asked, looking nervously to the brunet.

"Of course, Cam," Neil smiled reassuringly, "I'm not an idiot." The boys laughed and continued towards the bicycle shed. They chatted about whose bike was whose and after some yelling and swearing, finally sorted the whole ordeal out. Todd stood in the doorway, watching as the boys pulled the bikes haphazardly from the racks as they whooped and yelled. He never thought to bring a bicycle with him- it didn't seem necessary at a boarding school where he wasn't planning on making many friends, nevermind leaving campus with them.

"What's wrong, Anderson?" Knox asked, "Did you forget your rag top?" 

"I didn't think I'd need one," Todd said dully. 

"You can ride on my handlebars," Neil suggested from the back of the shed as his bike fell to the floor. 

"Okay," Todd giggled, watching the boy struggle to wiggle his handles out from between the spokes of another bike.

-

"Neil! Neil! Slow down! Watch! Left!" Todd shouted as Neil pummeled down a hill, wailing with joy. Todd clenched his jaw and grasped the bar beneath him with white knuckles. "Neil!" He yawped as the brunet narrowly avoided a tree.

"Lighten up, Todd!" Charlie said as he passed the boys, "Neil won't throw you off, he's experienced in this practice." 

"I ho-Ope so!" Todd squealed as Neil rode over a pothole. 

"We're almost there. You can ride with Meeks on the way back if it makes you feel safer," Neil laughed, "he might as well be traveling by foot at the rate he's moving!" 

"At least he hasn't come close to killing himself and his passenger three times in a minute!" Todd whined.

"Re-lax," Neil said, "look. We're here- and you're alive and so am I." 

"By some miracle," Todd said as he hopped off the handlebars and stumbled over his feet. As the boys parked their bikes, Todd took the opportunity to look at the sunset he had been eyeballing the whole ride but was too nervous to actually take time to observe. The sunlight was golden and cast a warm glow on his skin; one that should have felt warm but was invalidated by the nippy air. Todd inhaled and felt the chill of the end of September rush down his nostrils and fill his lungs. The slight ache that resonated after he exhaled promised that it would only get colder and soon the typical unyielding downcast feeling within him would return. He tried his best not to think of the melancholic ambiance of the winter as he turned and followed the group inside.

The remainder of the afternoon was banal; Todd couldn't manage to focus on anything anybody said and spent the whole time sipping his milkshake in the corner as his mind sat stagnantly- not a thought entering or exiting and when he absolutely had to, he'd force a smile and some half-assed reply. When they returned to Welton, each of the boys scampered off to their rooms and left Todd and Neil alone at the bicycle shed. "Are you alright?" Neil asked as he gave his bike one final push and turned to face Todd.

"Huh?"

"You were being real quiet tonight," Neil said softly, "is everything alright?"

"Y-yeah," Todd said as the pair started walking, "I'm just sleepy."

"Todd." Neil stopped dead in his tracks, "I'm not going to be mad for earlier, what happened?"

"I- I don't want to talk about it, okay?" Todd said defensively. 

"I feel bad," Neil continued, his eyes gentle, "did I do something?" 

"You didn't do anything," Todd said, "can we go to the room? I'm tired."

"Oh- yeah, of course," Neil nodded, "are you sure you don't want to talk about it?" 

"Maybe later," Todd said, "thank you for the milkshake, by the way." He smiled.

"No need to thank me." Neil smiled.


	4. iv

Todd rolled out of bed without looking and Neil. He heard the boy beside him stirring in his bed and he squeezed his eyes tighter together as if doing so would push away the fact that he did, in fact, have to go to class and speak to his peers despite his unwillingness to do so. He listened as Neil got out of bed with a groan and walked to the far corner and began rummaging through his things, mumbling to himself. Todd pretended he didn't hear his roommate as he hoaxed himself into a faux-sleep. Neil took a step closer to Todd's bed and tossed a pillow at his head.

"C'mon Todd, good morning, time to get up," Neil said, his voice gravelly with sleep. Part of Todd wanted him to speak again to hear his tired voice, he wanted to groan and object and pull Neil into bed with him and tell him they could say they're sick, oh God, are they sick! They spent the whole night vomiting their guts out; it must've been something they ate at the diner last night. They were exhausted and ill, there was no way in hell they could leave their room, they'd just have to stay in and get better, but by get better they'd mean lay around together and just sleep all day in each other's arms...

"Rise and shine, Anderson!"

Todd moaned and flung his blankets off of him and rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hand as he stood up out of bed and reached his arms over his head, yawning as his back cracked with a series of satisfying pops. He pulled his cheeks down, forcing his eyes open as he exhaled profoundly and let his gaze settle on the wall before him. He mindlessly strolled over to his dresser and pulled together his uniform and quickly changed, pushing his hair back out of his face before buttoning his shirt up and pulling his necktie tighter. He wriggled his blazer over his shoulders and zipped his pants. Neil bent down to his shoes and his hair hung loosely over his eyes as his face, contorted by drowsiness, formed a frown and pulled his eyelids down. "Ready?" He muttered. Todd nodded and the boys whisked themselves into the washroom to brush their teeth together. Over the past week at Welton, this had become routine; Neil and Todd were almost always seen together as a pair, mostly due to Todd being too awkward to actually venture far from Neil's side. Neil never seemed to mind, not outwardly at least, but Todd always felt bad for following him around like a lost puppy.

The air in the washroom was still thick and damp from the morning showerers and it sucked the breath from Todd's lungs as he followed Neil to the sinks. Despite Todd rubbing the condensation off the mirror, his reflection was still foggy and muddled by the humidity. He wiped the mirror once more and ran his fingers through his hair, holding his toothbrush between his teeth.

"Todd," Neil said from beside him.

"Hmm?"

"Are you mad at me?" Neil spat into the sink and stole a glance at Todd.

"I'm not..." Todd spat, "mad..." His tone was uncertain

"What are you?"

"Listen, Neil," Todd spat once more before rinsing his mouth off and putting his toothbrush away, "I'm not necessarily mad, but it was real unfair of you to just yank me into your whole stupid Romeo and Juliet schpeal even when you saw that I wasn't comfortable with it."

"I-I know, and I'm sorry,"

"And Neil, I appreciate your efforts to break me out of my shell or whatever- I really do," Todd turned to face Neil, "but you need to just leave me alone, okay?"

"Not for nothing, Todd, but you could've just told me to stop," Neil argued.

"I did. And you didn't."

"Okay, I'm sorry, I won't do it again," Neil pleaded.

"Alright, Neil," Todd said as he turned into the steam that hung in the air and walked towards the door, "I'll talk to you later."

"I hope you've all got your poems," Keating announced from the front of the class as his students situated themselves in their seats, "if you haven't forgotten, which I'm sure some of you have- I'm looking at you, Dalton!- that assignment was due today."

Todd shifted in his seat as Keating continued, "Which one of you wants to volunteer? Anybody?" With a brilliant smile, he scanned the classroom, "Ah! Mister Knox Overstreet, come on up!" Knox trotted to the front of the class with a folded piece of paper in his hands. "Whenever you're ready," Keating said.

"To Chris," he began quietly.

"Who's Chris?" Someone from the back called.

"Mmm, Chris," another boy heckled.

Todd recalled Neil telling him about how he missed out on Knox finding the woman he declared the 'love of his life' when he went to dinner at the Danbury's during the first study session. Chris must've been the aforementioned love of Knox's life.

Uncomfortably, Knox continued, "I see a sweetness in her smile. Blight light shines from her eyes. But life is complete; contentment is mine, just knowing that-" he was interrupted by snickers, "just knowing that she's alive." He finished. Lazy applause followed and Todd smiled at Knox's courage.

Knox frowned and crumpled his poem, "Sorry, Captain. It's stupid," he mumbled as he returned to his seat.

"No, no. It's not stupid," Keating said confidently, "it's a good effort. It touched on one of the major themes, love. Not only in poetry but life. Mr. Hopkins, you were laughing. You're up."

Hopkins sputtered a lazy disgrace of a poem that earned a laugh from the class and a brief lecture from Keating regarding how 'ordinary' the poem was. Todd's stomach churned as Keating surveyed the room with his hands planted firmly on his hips. Although poetry was one of the few things Todd thoroughly enjoyed, he was not in any way willing to share his passion with anybody; it was too personal to him. He knew if he received even the slightest of titters, he'd be crushed and incredibly discouraged, and for how much Todd loved poetry, he was absolutely not willing to have himself be undermined. Keating approached Todd's desk, "Mr. Anderson, I see you sitting there in agony. Come on, Todd, step up. Let's put you out of your misery." He smiled.

"I- I didn't do it," Todd confessed, "I didn't write a poem."

Keating studied the blond for a moment before loudly announcing, "Mr. Anderson thinks that everything inside of him is worthless and embarrassing. Isn't that right, Todd?" Todd shifted in his seat and inhaled a staggered breath, looking down to avoid eye contact with his teacher. "Isn't that your worst fear? Well, I think you're wrong. I think you have something inside of you that is worth a great deal."

Keating strode to the blackboard and began to scribble words down as he spoke, "'I sound my barbaric yawp over the rooftops of the world.' W. W. Uncle Walt again." He turned to face the class, "Now, for those of you who don't know, a yawp is a loud cry or yell." He faced Todd again, "Now, Todd, I would like you to give us a demonstration of a barbaric 'yawp.'" Todd stared blankly at the man ahead of him. "Let's go. Come on. Up!" Keating urged.

Reluctantly, Todd rose to his feet and swallowed the lump in his throat. He wiped his clammy palms on his pants. "You gotta get in 'yawping' stance," Keating said.

"A yawp?" Todd said quizzically.

"No! Not just a yawp, a barbaric yawp!" Keating grumbled the word 'barbaric'.

"Yawp," Todd said quietly.

"Come on, louder!" The man urged.

"Yawp," Todd repeated, ever so slightly louder. His heart was heavy with embarrassment and anger as Keating continued antagonizing.

"No, that's a mouse. Come on. Louder!"

"Yawp." Todd barked, his brows furrowed.

Frustration replaced every hint of embarrassment as Keating yelled in Todd's face, "Oh, good God boy. Yell like a man!"

"YAWP!" Todd shouted in his face out of spite.

"There it is!" Keating grinned. "You see, you have a barbarian in you, after all." Todd stepped forward back to his seat but was halted by his teacher's arm. Todd forced himself to ignore the feeling of his classmates' burning gazes on him."Now, you don't get away that easy." Keating said as he pushed Todd back to the front of the room.

Keating turned around and pointed to a photo on the wall, "That picture of Uncle Walt up there, what does he remind you of? Don't think. Answer. Go on."

Keating walked in circles around Todd as he stammered, "A m-m-madman,"

"What kind of madman? Don't think about it! Just answer again!"  
"A c-crazy madman,"

"No! You can do better than that. Free up your mind! Use your imagination. Say the first thing that pops into your head, even if it's total gibberish! Go on, go on!" Keating encouraged.

"Ah- uh, a sweaty toothed madman," Todd spewed out.

"Good God, boy, there's a poet in you, after all! There, close your eyes, close your eyes, close 'em. Now, describe what you see." His teacher said, clasping his hand over Todd's eyes.

Todd's cheeks burned as he babbled, "Uh, I- I close my eyes..."

"Yes?"

"Uh, and this image floats beside me," Todd's head felt light and his stomach ached.

"A sweaty-toothed madman?" Keating said.

"A sweaty-toothed madman with a stare that pounds my brain,"

"Oh that's excellent," Keating encouraged, "Now give him action- make him do something!"  
"H-his hands reach out and choke me..." Tears welled in Todd's eyes as he became hyper-aware of the snickers and stares of his classmates.

"That's it- wonderful, wonderful,"

"And, and all the time he's mumbling," Todd couldn't tell if it was the spinning or the anxiety that nauseated him.

"What's he mumbling?"

"M-mumbling 'Truth, Truth is like, like a blanket that always leaves your feet cold,"

Students laughed and bile in Todd's throat threatened to rise.

"Forget them, forget them!" Keating shouted, "Stay with the blanket. Tell me about the blanket."

With a final burst of adrenaline, Todd shouted, "Y-y-y-you push it, stretch it, it'll never be enough. You kick at it, beat it, it'll never cover any of us. From the moment we enter crying to the moment we leave dying, it will just cover your face as you wail and scream!" 

Keating let go of Todd's head and the boy stepped away, opening his eyes to the brightness of the classroom and the applause of his peers. He smiled to himself as Keating leaned in and whispered, "Don't you forget this." Todd nodded and returned to his seat, exhaling with exasperation. He looked back and briefly caught Neil's gaze; his eyes were starry and a slight smile pulled at the corners of his mouth as he looked at Todd.

"Todd! That was phenomenal!" Meeks yelled as the boys walked briskly to the dining hall.

"No..." Todd shook his head as he watched the boys dance around him.

"Yes!" Neil shouted, "I was blown away! I had no idea you were so talented!"

"My mind is blown, Anderson!" Dalton chimed in.

"Guys," Todd said as he stifled a smile.

"No, no, like, you were so good!" Knox said.

"You have to publish a book," Meeks said.

"I'm not-"

"Oh shut up! You're stellar, Todd!" Neil beamed. "God, you are outstanding!"

"Hey, I found his old annual!" Neil announced as he sat down at the lunch table. He excused himself before the group sat down and said he had to 'do something'. It became apparent that 'something' was finding Keating's old yearbook. He opened the book and pointed to the old photo of Keating. Cameron laughed while the others huddled around the open book. Upon reading his achievements, the boys discovered that Keating was a part of the Dead Poets Society. Inevitably, each of them was curious as to what the hell Dead Poets Society was. Neil suggested they ask Keating himself after lunch and after a moment of bickering, everybody finally agreed to inquire with the man himself about the club he ran a few decades back.

The group followed briskly after Neil, who strode elegantly with an immense sense of purpose and a beaming smile through the lawn. As Keating came into view, he called out for him. "Mr. Keating? Mr. Keating?"

The man, with his hands tucked into the pockets of his corduroy pants, walked down to the lake sounding a cheery tune from pursed lips. When he didn't acknowledge the boys despite Neil's calls, Neil turned and smiled at the group before shouting, "O captain, my captain?"

Instantaneously, as if snapped out of a trance, Keating turned on his heels towards the boys with a brilliant smile, "Gentlemen," he greeted.

"We were just looking through your old annual," Neil began, smiling back at the group. His eyes briefly met with Todd's and the blond's heart fluttered upon seeing his smile. Todd wiped the smile from his face and diverted his attention away from the thoughts that were beginning to surface and back to Keating. Neil held out the book to the page Keating was on and the man took the annual from Neil's hands and wagged his head.

"Oh my God," he smiled, "no. That's not me... Stanley 'The Tool' Wilson... " he knelt down as he continued to thumb through the book. "God," Keating murmured as Neil crouched next to him and looked over his shoulder at the photos.

"What was the Dead Poets Society?" Neil asked hesitantly.

Keating chuckled, "I doubt the present administration would look too favorably upon that."

"Why? What was it?" Neil urged.

"Gentlemen, can you keep a secret?" Keating said quietly as he surveyed the crowd before him.

"Sure," Neil answered on behalf of the group.

Keating explained to bewildered and amazed faces that the Dead Poets Society was a group that met and would read poetry, both original works and personal favorites by other authors, together. As Keating phrased it, they were dedicated to 'sucking the marrow out of life'. Todd's eyes glowed as his teacher explained. The rest of the boys glanced around excitedly, especially Neil, whose smile was brighter than the sun above him.

"I say we go tonight." Neil declared as the boys returned to the school, all following at Neil's heels.

"Tonight?" Charlie repeated.

"Wait a minute-" Cameron interjected.

"Where's this cave he's talking about?" Pitts questioned.

"It's beyond the stream," Neil said, "I know where it is."  
"That's miles," Pitts replied.

"Sounds boring to me," Cameron complained, glancing around for validation about his unpopular opinion.

"Don't go," Charlie scoffed.

"You know how many demerits we're talking, Dalton?" Cameron hissed.

"So don't come," Charlie paused to face Cameron, "please."

"Look, all I'm saying is that we have to be careful, we can't get caught," Cameron said.

Todd suppressed a groan; it had barely been a week that he had known Cameron and he already had a thorough understanding of why everybody complained about him to each other behind his back.

"No shit, Sherlock." Charlie scoffed.

The headmaster barked something at the boys that Todd didn't quite catch as he jogged into the building. He waited for Neil as he spoke quietly to Cameron and Charlie. Charlie's eyes were ablaze with excitement, complimenting Cameron's dreary look that displayed only utmost annoyance. Neil whipped around and returned to Todd's side. The two walked back to their room without speaking to change out of their uniforms before their study group that night.

Todd occupied himself with his chemistry homework while Neil and his friends whispered over a map about their plans for the Dead Poets Society meeting that night. He glanced up briefly to steal glances at Neil, who took it upon himself to explain the complete plans to the group. Todd had already decided for himself that he would not be taking part in these meetings- not because he didn't want to (obviously he wanted to, Todd loved poetry and to spend the night exchanging poems sounded like a dream come true), but because he was entirely unwilling to speak before such a large group, even if they were supposed to be friends by that point.

Neil slid into the seat next to Todd, their arms pressed together as Neil leaned down and whispered to Todd, "Todd, are you coming tonight?"

"No," Todd mumbled.

"Why not?" Neil's voice raised, "God, you were there! You heard Keating! Don't you want to do something about it?"

A pang of guilt struck Todd. "Yes, but-"

"But? But what?"

"Keating said everybody takes turns reading," Todd whispered shamefully, "a-and I don't want to do that."

"Gosh, you really have a problem with that, don't you?" Sympathy dripped from Neil's tone as his gaze softened and rested on Todd's eyes.

Todd's heart skipped a beat. "N-no, I don't have a problem, Neil," he leaned his head to the side and averted his gaze from Neil's, for maintaining eye contact any longer would nauseate him, "I just- I just don't want to, okay?"

Neil bit his lower lip as his eyes darted back and forth across the table as if the words he was looking to say would appear in the oak. "All right," he began, "what if you didn't have to read? What if you just came and listened?"

"That's not how it works," Todd objected.

"Forget how it works," Neil shrugged. His hand found a place atop of Todd's and the blond's heart began to race, "what if- what if they said it was okay?"  
"What? What're you gonna do? Get up and ask them?" Todd asked, already knowing the answer. Neil was going to get up and ask them, of course, he was, they were his best friends; he had nothing to worry about, even if they said no.

Neil shrugged and stood up from his chair. Todd grabbed at his sweater as he walked back towards his table, "No, no, Neil!"

"I'll be right back!" Neil winked.

"Neil!" Todd hissed, "Neil!"

The brunet whispered to his friends and stole a cursory glance at Todd when he said his name. Todd's cheeks burned and he forced himself to push the embarrassment away as he focused in on his schoolwork.

"Ready?" Neil grinned as he stood at the doorway. Todd nodded hastily, fumbling with a flashlight as he jammed a few apples into the pockets of his long coat. Neil beckoned with his head to leave the room as he pulled the door open. His head poked out of the frame and darted left and right then he flicked two fingers before whisking himself into the hallway, the length of his open duffle coat billowing behind him. Todd tiptoed after Neil, the floorboards gently creaking beneath their feet. The hall was dim; the majority of the hallway lights were turned off and Todd's eyes strained in the dark to make out Neil's silhouette which moved briskly into the lobby. The other boys shuffled impatiently and didn't wait another second to dart out the door once they caught a glimpse of Neil. The group broke out into a run the second they made it past the soccer field. Todd picked up his pace so his strides matched Neil's. The brunet smiled at him, his eyes fiery and full of unrestrained determination. Todd grinned swiftly at Neil, his breath catching in his throat and a kaleidoscope of butterflies fluttering in his gut.

At their brisk pace, it didn't take the boys long to arrive at the cave. Meeks wasted no time trying to start a fire as the rest of the group seated themselves in a semi-circle. "It's too wet," Meeks grimaced as plumes of smoke billowed out of the narrow hold from which the boys entered.

"God, are you trying to smoke us out of here?" Charlie coughed.

"No, no. The smoke's going right up this opening." Meeks explained.

Todd smiled as Pitts whacked his head on the top of the cave upon trying to stand up. He cursed and sat back down, rubbing the top of his head. Neil stood, his stature being much shorter than Pitts, and took a drag from his cigarette. He thumbed through the book of poems as he said, "I hereby reconvene the Dead Poets Society."

His face was gently illuminated by the orange burning end of his cigarette and the pale beam of moonlight reaching in through the hole above him. His eyes were still bright and he smirked as he proceeded to flip to the first page. He looked angelic with a ring of moonlight surrounding his figure as he spoke boldly.

"Welton chapter. The meetings will be conducted by myself and the other new initiates now present. Todd Anderson, because he prefers not to read, will keep minutes of the meetings. I'll now read the traditional opening message by society member Henry David Thoreau," Neil cleared his throat and shifted on the balls of his feet, "'I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck all the marrow out of life-'"

"I'll second that." Dalton interrupted.

"-To put to rout all that was not life, and not, when I had come to die, discover that I had not lived."

A few boys cheered quietly as Neil flipped through a few other pages. The boys dumped out the food they smuggled onto Meeks's coat and as they ate Neil told a story that sparked controversy when Cameron butted in and swore he heard it in summer camp but Charlie stood by the fact that he was the one to tell Cam the story. After Pitts took his turn telling the group his story, Charlie stood with a folded piece of paper in his hands. He cleared his throat and as he unrolled the page it revealed an illustration of a shirtless woman. Todd giggled and glanced around at the rest of the group, who were busy shining their flashlights on the page while Dalton grinned and began his poem.

"Teach me to love? Go teach thyself more wit. I, chief professor, am of it."

Neil stood up and gazed over his shoulder, shining his light as his eyes flicked back and forth.

"The God of love, if such thing there may be, may learn to love from me."

Neil sat down, applauding gently. His eyes met Todd's and the blond diverted his gaze immediately. He hadn't looked at the illustration, even when Charlie first unfolded the page Neil did nothing more but glance up from the poetry book he was skimming through. He was just preoccupied. Todd pushed his theories aside; he'd think about it before he fell asleep. Neil raised his voice to recite another poem and Todd found himself lost in his words. While he didn't particularly process what he was saying, the rasp of his tired voice mesmerized Todd. He could listen to Neil recite poetry for hours; his voice was silky and he knew how to enunciate and could manipulate a poem into an entire theatrical production without trying. Todd's lips remained parted as he absentmindedly clapped along with the rest of the boys. Neil assumed a seat near Todd and smiled at the blond as he placed the book on his lap and patted Todd's knee with his free hand. Todd simpered and looked to Meeks, who stood in the center of the cave and began chanting a poem.

"Then I saw the Congo creeping through the black, cutting through the forest with a golden track!"

Knox picked up a small metal drum and began pounding on it as Meeks repeated his chant. The boys circled Meeks and chanted along with him using sticks and hair combs as instruments as they filed out of the cave and into the darkness of the woods, their chant dying down as they approached Welton.


	5. v

It was three long, hellish weeks now that Todd had attended Welton and in those three weeks he accomplished making a handful of new friends and almost immediately after doing his very best to abandon them for the sake of his own personal issue- his feelings for his roommate, which had not subsided and, in fact, they had grown stronger. Todd put in the extra effort to not speak to Neil unless absolutely necessary, but as he expected, his talkative and flamboyant roommate did not tolerate the tense silence that grabbed both boys by their throats and demanded to be acknowledged. Neil would often begin to make small talk and Todd would offer dry and tasteless responses in return. The evident disinterest never seemed to affect Neil on the surface but the fact that he always tried so hard and often went out of his way to speak to Todd made it almost undeniable that he loathed the fact that Todd would not converse with him as freely and frequently as he did just a week prior. Whereas Todd felt guilty for neglecting Neil, he knew that it would be better for him to manage his problem while it was still small without giving it much time to flourish into anything more than a small crush. Much to Todd's disillusionment, his point to ignore Neil and blockade the thoughts of him from crossing his mind before falling asleep went in vain. Frequently he caught himself wallowing in the attention he received from Neil and foolishly interpreted the desperate attempts at banal conversation as an indubitable sign that Neil Perry was-without a doubt- crushing on Todd Anderson. Todd's poetry was still centered solely around his adoration for his roommate and the guilt had melted away into a grease of mere shame and disdain for himself. In contrast, Neil seemed the happiest he had ever been before and the realization that Neil was not struggling with his emotions as Todd was hit the blond like a freight train.

As for everything else in Todd's life- it was bland and banal. Everybody else in Neil's friend group was tolerable, despite the endless teasing that was ultimately harmless but still affected Todd, especially their comments about how he and Neil were gay. Neil always managed to laugh them off and reply with a snarky comment, but a pit formed in Todd's stomach and his breath got caught in his throat whenever he opened his mouth to reply. It seemed the only time Todd wasn't concerned with the way Neil's friends thought about him was in Keating's class.

Keating himself was a character- he was far unlike the other teachers at Welton and taught lessons centered around life and the beauty of it and used the actual content of the poems to bolster his lessons. One lesson in particular resonated with each and every one of the boys; he spoke eloquently about how life is short and that often, people waste opportunities because they're too afraid of the outcome and the possibility of failure. Keating reiterated that it was paramount to live in the moment and make decisions without too much worry about their repercussions- carpe diem; seize the day. Todd enjoyed hearing this but was unable to apply it, for the risk of his decisions regarding his situation weighed out the rewards exponentially, but the one reward would make him infinitely happy. He debated on speaking to Keating about it but making it as ambiguous and vague as possible as to not raise suspicion about his sexuality and after an afternoon of reflection, he decided that it was best to keep his homosexual feelings to himself rather than running the risk of word getting around and Todd being expelled from Welton and, ultimately, his life falling to shambles. 

-

"Todd! Oh God, Todd, you'll never guess what just happened!" Neil yelled excitedly as he stumbled into the room with a stack of papers filling his arms and his scarf sliding off his shoulders. Before Todd could reply a script was being thrown into his face and Neil was standing before him, beaming.

"A Midsummer Night's Dream? What is this?" Todd asked, his brows furrowed.

"It's a play, dummy," Neil's eyes lost the glimmer of utter joy but his expression did not change.

"I know that. Wh-what's it got to do with you?" Todd continued, suspicion still integrated into his tone.

"I'm in it! I'm gonna act!" Neil pulled his blanket over his shoulders and exclaimed, "Carpe Diem!!"

"Neil- hold on a minute. How are you gonna be in a play if your father won't let you?"

Neil cocked a brow defiantly and declared, "He doesn't have to know."

"Well, that's impossible." Todd scoffed and looked up at Neil from his spot on in the corner.

"Bullshit! Nothing's impossible!"

"Why don't you just call him and ask? Maybe he'll say yes," Todd suggested. He knew how much trouble Neil could get himself over something that was surpassable.

"That's a laugh!" Neil threw the blanket back onto his bed and stood before Todd. His smile shrunk but half a smirk was still on his face, "If I don't ask him, at least I won't be disobeying him," he explained.

"Yeah but if he said-"

"Jesus, Todd!" Neil snapped, throwing his hands into the air, "Whose side are you on?" Todd shifted uncomfortably, thumbing the papers in his hand. His heart sank to his feet and he bit his tongue, unsure of whether he wanted to argue with Neil or apologize for hurting his feelings- it was ridiculous of him to believe his father wouldn't find out about his son being in a play but seeing Neil so upset after Todd shut him down so quickly made Todd feel incredibly guilty, especially because he spoke so excitedly about it. He returned to the poem he was writing.

Neil snatched the papers from Todd's hands and stalked over to the radiator beneath the window. He sighed exasperatedly as he sat down and turned to Todd again, "You're coming to the meeting this afternoon?" He asked, his voice was still vapid.

"I dunno, maybe." Todd shrugged, his eyes still on his notepad.

"Nothing Mr. Keating says means shit to you, does it, Todd?" He said bitterly. Todd's heart lurched with frustration and anxiety.

"W-what's that supposed to mean?" He snapped defensively.

"You're in the club! Being in the club means getting stirred up by things," Neil got up from the window and stood over Todd again. The blond's eyes met his and his ears burned, "and you look about as stirred up as a cesspool." Neil finished.

Frustration bubbled up inside of Todd, "So you want me out?"

"No, I want you in, but being in means you gotta do something. Not just say you're in," Neil explained.

Todd gritted his teeth, "I'm not like you, Neil. You talk and people listen, I'm not like that,"

"Don't you think you could be?" Neil negotiated.

"No," Todd scoffed, "I- I don't know- but that's not the point! The point is that there isn't anything you can do about it, so you can just butt out." He looked at Neil defensively, "I can take care of myself, all right?"

"No," Neil said.

"What do you mean, 'no'?"

"No," a smirk appeared on Neil's face and he leaned down and snatched Todd's notepad from his lap. Todd gasped and leaped after him, grabbing for his notepad as Neil raced across the room. He pressed himself against Neil and fumbled for his pad.

"Neil!" He shouted, "Give me- Neil, give it back!" He yelled as Neil slammed himself into a corner. Todd blockaded him, pushing the brunet's face away as he grabbed for his poem.

Neil ducked under Todd's arms and jumped from his bed to the other. He grinned as he read what was on the page, "'We are dreaming of a-' Poetry! I'm being chased by Walt Whitman!"

Todd laughed and scrambled after Neil, catching his poem clumsily when Neil tossed it back to him. Cameron threw their door open and said something that Todd couldn't decipher through the chaos. Neil snatched the book he was holding and threw it to Todd while the pair still ran in messy circles around the room. Todd tossed the book back and Cameron jumped onto the beds in a desperate attempt to retrieve his textbook. Neil cackled as he pulled a recorder from the top of his dresser and began blowing into it, creating some shrilly tune of random notes played over and over. Charlie skidded in, waving his hands in the air. Todd tossed the book across the room and Cameron bolted after him, leaving the two inhabitants alone together once again. Neil returned the recorder to its original spot and Todd fell onto his bed with a groan. Neil jumped onto the floor and pulled his books from the chair next to him and began thumbing through the pages. Todd got up to kick the door closed and sat across from Neil. He shifted for a moment, trying to find a comfortable position before finally deciding that lying on his belly propped up on his elbows was ideal. Neil laughed and laid the same with his feet in the air twisted around each other.

Todd watched him as he worked diligently, his hair flopped over in front of his face while he chewed on his bottom lip and rubbed the pad of his thumb over his other fingernails; he looked ethereal and he was, undoubtedly, the type of person he could easily fall in love with. Not only was he absolutely the most beautiful person Todd had seen, but he was also kind and easy to be around, and their conversations were never uncomfortable or awkward; he was perfect. Neil looked up at Todd and the blond quickly dropped his gaze down to his paper. Neil's hand weaseled its way onto Todd's cheek, which was now burning and bright red, and he moved his lips as though he was trying to speak. Todd leaned his head to the side where Neil's hand rested and he looked from under his brows at his roommate. Neil sat up without displacing his hand and he moved closer to Todd, rubbing his thumb against his jawbone. Todd could feel his heart beating in his throat and he had to suppress every urge he had to lean just a little closer so that his lips were pressed to Neil's. "I'm sorry about what I said," Todd said softly.

"No, it's okay," Neil murmured, "you were right anyway,"

"Y-you're still gonna do it though, right?" Todd said.

"Fuck yeah," Neil grinned. His face scrunched up and Todd's entire body tingled as he smiled back.

"I wish I had a family like yours, Todd," Neil said, "your parents seem so loose,"

"I suppose," Todd shrugged, "they couldn't care any less about me. One time I went out for a whole weekend with my friends on a trip and they only noticed I was gone when I walked in the door Sunday night." He forced a laugh.

"OhGod!" Neil laughed, snaking his hand to Todd's hair. Todd moved closer to him- so close he might as well have been sitting in his lap. "That's terrible! I shouldn't laugh,"

"No, it's okay," Todd chuckled, "it is kind of funny."

"Oh, I'm sorry, Todd. You deserve better than that," Neil said softly as he toyed with Todd's hair. Hesitantly, Todd leaned his head on Neil's shoulder and closed his eyes, focusing on the gentle pull of Neil's fingers in his hair. His heart was pounding in his chest- being so close to Neil was unreal, but surely he treated all of his friends like this; the odds of Neil having romantic feelings towards Todd was one in a trillion- he didn't like boys. However, despite his strong foothold on his heterosexuality, Todd briefly imagined himself planting the gentlest of kisses on Neil's neck and trailing his way up to his lips-

He pulled away before he could imagine any further and Neil smiled warmly. He returned to his homework and Todd exhaled a staggered breath while laying back down to work on his poem.

*~*

"You gotta move faster than that, Anderson!" Neil barked as he sprinted next to Todd, sending splatters of mud out from under him as he slid and shoulder-checked him. Todd kept the soccer ball between his feet and picked his pace up, grunting as he passed the ball to Charlie. Neil shouted something to Knox and pressed himself up against Todd. The blond shoved him away and sped up so he was closer to his goal. He secured the ball between his legs and kicked it across the soggy grass into his team's goal. Stephen and Charlie shouted in celebration and Knox cursed at Todd, who grinned as he retrieved the ball from the net. Neil approached him and shoved his shoulders, "That was just because I went easy on you," he said, "don't get all cocky."

"You're just pissed because I'm better than you," Todd sneered.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah."

Todd tossed the ball back onto the field and jeered, "One-zero! Us!"Neil rolled his eyes and jogged after the ball, skidding on the wet ground and staining the pristine rubber soles of his black Converse. Todd tittered as the brunet scrambled like a fawn on new legs toward the ball. He trotted along the perimeter, his eyes steadily focused on Neil, who was preoccupied with barking orders to his teammates. "Let's go, Anderson!" Meeks chirped as he whisked past Todd and stole the ball from Knox. Todd skittered to Neil and hastily weaved with him through the cluster of players as Neil hissed profanities while stumbling over his feet. "Get outta my way!" Neil laughed, checking Todd and sending him flying into the mud.

"Oh, you bastard!" Todd shouted, slipping to his feet and lunging towards Neil's legs. He knocked his legs out from under him and Neil fell with a grunt. He looked wildly to Todd and slipped through the mud to counter the attack but was cut off by the shrill of a whistle.

"Get out of the mud, boys! You look like a bunch of pigs rolling around in their own filth!" Keating barked across the field, "Let's go, wash up before dinner! You all look a mess."

Todd rolled his eyes and stood, being careful as to not lose his footing and collapse back into the mud. He wiped it from his face, the gritty sludge was wet sandpaper on his supple skin. Neil shook his hair, sending splatters of the stuff flying. "I never took you as the athletic type," he said.

"Me? Oh, I love soccer," Todd explained, "I've been playing since I was seven."

"Really?" Neil marveled, "I'd bet you were a cute kid."

Todd laughed, "Everybody made fun of me because I looked like a pigeon,"

"And you don't now?"

"Oh, fuck you!" Todd grinned.

Neil shook his head, a smile still toying at the corners of his lips, "I'm only kidding. You're not bad looking," he elbowed Todd's arm, "I'd bet you had all the girls at Balincrest swooning."

Todd's words were caught in his throat as he stammered wordlessly for something to say, "I-uh- actually, nobody at all really noticed me," he muttered as the pair situated themselves underneath the bleachers, "my only girlfriend broke up with me because I was weird."

Neil's laugh boomed from his chest and Todd smiled to himself upon hearing it. "Well, were you?" He said.

"Kind of," Todd giggled. Neil smiled and inhaled deeply as he rested his hands on his hips. Todd avoided his gaze for a long as he could, for he knew if he looked back up at Neil the butterflies in his stomach would be sent into a flurry and his cheeks would flush. To Todd's disillusion, when Neil took a step forward so he was mere inches from the blond, his chin involuntarily lifted and, as if by some magnetic force, his eyes drifted towards Neil's. His breath caught in his throat and he jammed his hands into the pockets of his gym shorts and held his lower lip between his teeth as he stifled a giggle. Neil tilted his head and exhaled a staggered breath as he pressed his lips firmly together. His expression was perhaps the most ambiguous it had ever been; Todd could detect evident disappointment but could not piece together why Neil would feel like that. Finally, after a few moments that felt like an eternity, Todd scoffed, "What?"

Neil wagged his head and looked towards his feet. "Never mind," he mumbled as he turned on his heels and started towards the dormitories, "I'll see you later, Todd."

A pang of embarrassment struck Todd in his core. No part of him wanted to immediately jump to the conclusion that Neil wanted to kiss him- that would be naive and stupid of him. However, a small and irrational part of him wholehearted believed that perhaps sharing a kiss was Neil's motive. He brushed the fantasy aside and grabbed his backpack and ambled towards the dock, pretending that his heart wasn't fluttering in his chest and that his mind wasn't racing.

He placed his bag gingerly down onto the ground beside him and sat down with his legs crossed as he became lost in the small ripples of the lake in front of him. Todd wasn't stupid; he knew that he had feelings for Neil. Whether he'd be willing to accept the feelings for what they were; fervent and passionate romantic attraction, was an entirely separate narrative. He adored the delusions that crossed his mind where Neil was absolutely head over heels in love with him too and they'd spend their nights alone in their room laying together while Todd read and Neil dozed off with Todd in his arms, basking in the warmth of Neil's body and his favorite sweater that Todd had stolen for himself instead of at the bustling study groups. Todd knew very well that he'd have to keep these feelings a secret for as long as he lived, and that he would take the guilt of being attracted to another man to his grave. His family would despise him if they knew their son was a queer and every other boy at Welton would be repulsed and indisputably afraid of him if they knew- especially Neil. Sure, he had reiterated that he wouldn't care if Todd was gay, but he was only saying that because he was blind to the most important detail of the situation at hand- that he was the boy that had sparked these feelings inside of Todd. If he knew that Todd was just one pious gaze away from falling in love with him, he'd be disgusted.

Todd leaned back on his palms with a groan as he leaned his head back. As he opened his eyes to look at the world from a new perspective, the looming figure of a lanky boy stood blocking the view of the school. Todd's heart skipped a beat and he scrambled to his feet. "Relax, it's just me," Charlie smirked.

"You scared the shit out of me," Todd exhaled, placing his hand over his racing heart.

"Didn't mean to. Sorry to interrupt but have you seen Knox or anybody else around?" Charlie asked.

Todd shook his head and mud splattered from the tips of his hair, "N-no... I was only with Neil after the game."

"Oh, of course," Charlie smiled, "you know, you might be Perry's new favorite."

"What? No," The sandy-haired boy scoffed, leaning his head onto his shoulder.

"Yeah!" The taller boy smiled, "He pretty much begs for you to come everywhere along with us, we don't mind of course, but it's still real funny."

Todd half-way laughed as he trotted towards Charlie, who was already making his way towards the school. "How're you liking Hell-ton so far?" Charlie asked without looking at Todd.

"Ah, it's okay," Todd said, "better than Balincrest."

"How's your brother?" Dalton continued, obviously disinterested in the conversation.

"Fine. It's been a while since we last spoke-"

"That kid was a genius! I'd never seen a bigger teacher's pet- God!" Charlie interrupted.

Todd forced a smile and muttered a goodbye to Charlie as he turned into the courtyard. Jeffery wasn't his favorite conversation topic, especially because each time his name came up everybody rambled on about how intelligent Jeff was and how he was an absolute model student. His family made a habit of comparing Todd to his brother and often ended the conversations with something along the lines of, 'You should be more like him! He was so outgoing and funny!' which was the perfect boost to Todd's ego. Todd was never the favorite of any group he was apart of; he blamed it on his introversion because while it was frustrating for him when his friends would never put forth the effort to speak to him without being prompted by Todd himself, it was his own fault for being so apprehensive. That's one thing Todd liked about Neil; he went out of his way to speak to him and make him feel as if he was actually a part of the group. Todd had never met somebody who was willing to make accommodations for him and be patient with him while he found his footing within a group. Todd smiled to himself as he made his way to his dorm. He rubbed the crusted dirt off his face with his thumb and flicked it away as he stepped into his room.


	6. vi

The wind already carried the chill of late autumn; it was the type that ached your lungs if you inhaled too deeply and forbade you from going outside without a sweater on. The trees on campus were almost void of leaves that now billowed freely in the wind, and while most students refrained from going outside in order to avoid their noses running and their cheeks fading to a bright pink, the Dead Poets boys always went out of their way to chat outside. Charlie said it was too stuffy in the study hall, Meeks and Pitts received a better satellite connection for the radio they had been invested in constructing since the beginning of the semester, and Todd just found himself following Neil wherever he went.

The boys worked half-heartedly on their homework on two picnic tables they pushed together in the courtyard as they rambled about their next Dead Poets Society meeting. With Neil being a part of the play at the nearby theater, it was difficult to come up with days all of the boys could agree on. Throughout the process, Todd shifted uneasily without speaking much; he didn't have many extracurriculars that interfered with the schedule for the meetings, but what Neil said a few days prior about how he wasn't stirred up enough about it stuck with him and ate at him like a parasite. He looked desperately to Neil, who was sat atop the table with his legs planted on the seat next to Todd. The brunet's eyes locked with Todd's for a moment before he slid down and in one swift motion sat next to Todd- so close that their legs and upper arms pressed together.

"What's up?" Neil murmured as he bent his head down to involve himself and Todd in a private conversation.

"Ah- you- you said I have to read for this next one-" Todd stammered.

"When'd I say that?" Neil furrowed his brows and softened his gaze.

"The other night. You said I wasn't 'stirred up' enough." Todd said. Neil pressed his lips together and raised his brows. "I- I'm sorry Neil, but I really don't think I'm comfortable with reading. I know it's probably annoying, I can just stop coming, I'm sorry-"

"Todd," Neil whispered, "Todd, it's okay. You don't have to. I was just angry; I should've apologized earlier."

Todd sighed, "It's all right, but are you sure?"

"I'm positive. You don't have to read."

"Okay. Thank you."

"It's no problem, Todd. It would be nice if you did read though, but please, just take your time." Neil said, "You have an amazing voice for it."

"Thanks," Todd smiled.

Neil smiled in return and ruffled Todd's hair and returned to his former position. Todd smiled and resumed his spot in his history textbook, scribbling notes down as he went along. While Neil was away for a brief moment, the conversation shifted from the Dead Poets meetings to Knox's crush and Charlie's desire to have a girlfriend. Topics that did not interest Todd in the slightest, but were infinitely more interesting than global history and evidently worth tuning into.

"OH, Neil you missed it! I found her number in the pocket of my coat-" Knox began.

"-Chris?" Neil asked.

"Obviously- who else? Anyway, I found her number and I was thinking about calling it sometime soon."  
"You should!" Neil beamed, "What's there to lose? Carpe Diem!"

"Carpe Diem!" Knox repeated "I'm gonna do it. I'm calling her tonight!"

A chorus of whoops and cheers followed and Todd clapped along with his pen still curled in his forefinger. "You guys wouldn't believe the amount of girls I got at Balincrest," Todd smiled, "they were practically begging to get with me."

"Really? Sweet ol' Todd? Pulling in the babes?" Charlie smirked.

"Oh, yeah," Todd nodded, "left and right, Dalton."

Neil giggled and glanced around at the rest of the boys.

"I don't believe it." Cameron scoffed.

"Yeah? Ask the one that broke up with me because I looked like a pigeon." Todd sneered.

"OHH!" The boys laughed at once.

"You really had me, Anderson." Meeks laughed.

Todd smiled to himself and returned to his work as the rest of the boys carried on talking about Chris and other women they fancied. Todd absorbed himself in his homework, only tuning in to the conversation again when he heard something worth listening to because the talk about Chris was endless. Todd envied Knox in that sense; he could talk about his crush for hours without the fear that it would result in him being ostracized from the group. Todd's bottled-up feelings were ready to pop like a can of soda in the winter; he couldn't bear to keep it in anymore and poetry wasn't worth anything if nobody could read it. He was alone, and that was the only certainty. Nobody in this entire country would be willing to listen to him go on about how gentle Neil was, about how Neil went out of his way to make Todd comfortable and how he made sure to include him in conversation and didn't force him into anything he was uncomfortable with, and God, how he spoke to Todd and how he looked at him with such placid eyes that made Todd melt and his heart flutter in his chest...

Todd's cheeks reddened as he stole a glance from beneath his eyebrows at Neil, who leaned his head on his palm and smiled coyly as Knox and Charlie argued. Todd's eyes shot back down to his paper once Neil shifted his position.

"Hey Todd," Neil whispered.

Todd's heart skipped a beat. "Wha- what's up?"

"You wouldn't mind helping me with my lines later, would you?"

"N- of course not," Todd said, shrugging to put up a nonchalant visage while his heart thudded out of his ribcage.

"Thanks."

-

"Hence, away! Now all is well," Neil shouted, a blanket draped over his shoulders sliding off as it caught on the corner of his bed, "One aloof stand sentinel."

"What thou seest when thou dost wake, do it for thy true-love sake," Todd said, his voice monotonous as he focused on the Shakespearian dialect, which although familiar to him, was always still a mouthful, "Love and languish for his sake-"

"-Todd," Neil said.

"Be i- wha?" Todd looked down at Neil from his position sat upon his desk with his sock-covered feet rested on the chair beneath him.

"I know you have a thing with public speaking, but it's just me here. Put in some more effort! I know you've got more in you than that!" Neil said, a smile pulling at his lips.

"Sorry- Be it ounce, or cat or bear, pard or boar with bristled hair! In thy eye that shall appear when thou wakest, it is thy dear, wake when some vile thing is near!" Todd exclaimed.

Neil straightened his posture, a grin now consuming his face, "Yes! Yes! There you go, Todd!"

Todd smiled as he flipped through the script to find another cluster of Puck's lines.

"Here!" Neil yelped, "Through thy forest, I have gone but Athenian found I none! Go, Todd, finish it!"

Todd stood with his feet apart to maintain his balance as he projected his voice, "On whose eyes I might approve, this flower's force in stirring love! Night and silence, who is here?" He jumped off his chair and paced towards Neil, who was already advancing past him towards the other side of the room.

"Weeds of Athens he doth wear. This is he, my master said! Despised the Athenian maid, and here maiden, sleeping sound, On the dank and dirty ground!" Neil briskly stepped forward so he and Todd were just inches apart, their faces still buried in the scripts as they shouted the lines at each other. Todd didn't dare look up in this moment; it felt sacred and he thought that a break in the lines would throw off what the pair had.

"Pretty soul! She durst not lie near this lack-love, this kill-courtesy. Churl, upon thy eyes I throw all the power this charm doth owe!" Todd shouted, his eyes steadily remaining downwards.

"Jesus Christ, Todd," Neil said, his voice desperate and yearning, "kiss me."

Todd's steady stare that remained fixated on the script was broken and his head shot up, his eyes wild. Neil's hands found themselves on either side of Todd's jaw; his eyes bugged out of his head as he frantically read Neil's expression for the jocular smirk that he knew all-too-well from when he'd tease him, but for as hard as he searched, he didn't find so much as a hint at it. Todd moved his mouth to form a sentence but was betrayed by his vocal cords when nothing came out. He had forgotten how to speak; was this even real?

Before he could consider it, Neil's face was on his with their lips pressed firmly against each other as Todd's eyes refused to close. He was paralyzed. He wanted to kiss back but he couldn't. He wanted to hold onto Neil's neck to keep him there longer but his hands were weighed down by cinder blocks at his sides and his lips were stiff and his mind was blank- he was kissing Neil Perry.

Just as the situation registered, Neil pulled away and took a hasty step back. He stammered for a moment as Todd's mouth hung open. He desperately wanted to ask him why he did it or how he worked up the courage. Neil's head dropped and he slinked back to his desk, throwing himself down on the chair with a grunt. Todd ran a shaky hand through his hair and returned to his chair. The grin on his face that pulled so tightly at his cheeks that he thought they'd tear was involuntary; Neil Perry just kissed him. He regretted not kissing back, but it was too late for that now and the regret was drowned out by his giddiness. Neil Perry kissed me. He thought to himself. The boy he had been pining over for so long now, whom he thought he would be a waste of time to even think about, kissed him.

Todd knew it was too good to be true but didn't let his logic interfere with his fleeting moments of utmost euphoria.


	7. vii

"Simmer down, gentlemen," Keating announced as he sauntered into the classroom. His gold and red striped scarf trailed behind him like a flag billowing in the rough breeze as he strode through the rows of desks and into his office. He disappeared into the room and emerged seconds later stripped of his overcoat and scarf, his arms filled with essays that the boys had written and were ready to be handed back.

Todd shifted in his seat and stole a glance back at Neil, who sat attentively, his round wire glasses rested at the bridge of his nose and his lips slightly parted, the gentle curves of his mouth silhouetted by the golden sun of the morning filtering in from the wall of dusty windows to the left of the boys. Todd averted his eyes to the photograph of Walt Whitman in the front of the room before Neil could catch him staring. The thoughts in Todd's head regarding Neil and more

specifically, Neil's lips, were louder than Keating's voice as he rambled on about the boys' essays. As hard as he tried to force the thought away, Todd couldn't keep Neil kissing him from plaguing his mind and rewiring the neurons of his brain to think about that and only that. His main question was 'Why?'. Neil sounded almost exasperated when he requested that Todd kiss him, he sounded like he had been yearning to kiss Todd just as Todd had been yearning to kiss Neil. Todd imagined the feel of Neil's lips against his and how gently Neil held his face as they kissed; the twist of his gut as they pulled away and Todd's mind went blank and electric shocks were sent through his body while he stood there, dumbfounded and grinning like an idiot. His mind wandered to tonight while he sank deeper, and deeper into his delusional daydream; he devised a plan. They'd come back from dinner together and, as per usual, Neil would situate himself atop of the radiator. Todd would stand beside Neil and pretend to be deeply fixated something outside. Neil would ask him what he was looking at. Todd would lean his head on Neil's shoulder and shrug, then kiss Neil's cheek. Neil would turn his head and they'd kiss again, and again, and again. They'd lie in Neil's bed and kiss until they were too tired to move their lips and they'd fall asleep next to each other with their lips just close enough to feel when the other would murmur in his sleep.

"Mr. Anderson!" Keating slapped his palm against the desk causing Todd to jump out of his skin and thus earning a few titters from his classmates, "Your essay was exceptionally compelling, quite an interesting take on the topic. Why don't you read your introduction for the class?"

"Ah, I dunno, it- it's not that.." Todd stammered as Keating pulled him out of his desk by his shoulder, "it's really not that great- I- I don't think I should."

"Nonsense, Todd! It's the best I've read all day. Just the intro, now, don't give yourself a heart attack." Keating said as he stepped back towards his desk, leaving Todd alone before the rest of the class. Todd's mouth dried and he shifted on his feet as he held his paper in his hands and meekly recited the words on the page. He finished hastily without taking what he was mumbling into consideration and tossed the paper back at Keating and rushed back to his desk, his cheeks burning and hands trembling. "A little faster next time," Keating laughed. Todd forced a smile and directed his gaze down to his clammy palms.

The bell rang and Todd swung out of his seat and rushed over to Neil. "That was humiliating," Todd said as the boys walked out of the class with the rest of the Dead Poets, "and why just me? That was unfair!"

"I thought you did okay," Neil said with a shrug.

"It doesn't matter how I did! He still made me- and only me- read my intro in front of the class! He- he knows that I don't like doing that and he still singled me out!" Todd ranted with his arms thrashing about.

"He's just trying to get you out of your shell, Todd," Neil said.

"Well, I like it in my shell," Todd replied. Neil laughed and opened the door to their dorm, letting Todd in before himself.

He closed it gingerly behind him, "You got out of your shell last night," he said.

Todd shrugged, "I guess I was just too tired to care."

"Yeah," Neil said, "me too."

A thick blanket of silence hung between them. Neil busied himself with organizing his desk and Todd stood idly and watched, halfway focused on whatever Neil was doing while he grimaced thinking about what Neil said, did he not mean the kiss? Was it really just a 'spur of the moment' type of thing? Surely he wouldn't just get the idea to kiss Todd out of nowhere while they rehearsed, would he? Neil turned away from his desk and faced Todd again. They were close- almost too close. Todd could lean forward just a few inches and they'd be kissing again, and what was there to lose? They had already kissed once; a second time wouldn't hurt. Todd leaned into his right hip and Neil straightened himself as if Todd's movement whisked him out of his reverie. Neil pressed his lips tightly together and glanced at his feet. "I know you're not.." his voice trailed off into a hushed whisper, "I know that you don't, y'know,"

Todd's heart dropped to his feet. He raised his brows to encourage Neil to finish his sentence. Todd knew damn well what Neil was about to say but in the odd case he was wrong, he wanted to hear Neil say what he had to say for himself.

Neil swiped his tongue over his lips and continued, "I know that you're gay."

As if it was a bomb, immediately upon hearing the word gay, Todd's eyes welled with tears that he fought back while stammering, "No, no I- I, no, that's not it- Neil," he said with such urgency that his tongue tripped over the words he was trying to project and his speech was slurred, "you were the one who kissed me! I- I- you did it! I didn't even want- I didn't even like it!"

"You didn't?" Neil asked, his brows furrowed and his lips turned to a frown.

"No! I didn't! An- and I know what you're doing, Neil, I'm not stupid! I-I know you're just trying to get every one of the others to hate me! You're giving them a reason to ostracize me!" Todd shouted, flailing his arms in hasty, nervous gestures as he paced between the desks, "I know you hate me! I'm just your- your pity project! Well, guess what? I hate you too Neil! You- you think you're hot shit for being all 'buddy-buddy' with the new boy, right? You're pathetic!"

"Todd," Neil said, reaching out to grab Todd's shoulder. The blond yanked himself away.

"No!"

"I don't hate you,"

"Bull-shit! You're fucking ruining my life, for God's sake! I just transferred here and you're already fucking it over for me. I should've known better, I should've known not to trust you!"

"I haven't even done anything," Neil urged, "and I'm not trying to ruin your life, don't be ridiculous."

"Why'd you kiss me then?" Todd barked.

"It.. felt right," Neil said.

Todd stared at Neil for a moment. He wanted, with everything in him, to yell at Neil more for playing with his emotions he wanted to yell and scream and tell him, 'I love you and you're just fucking with me! This isn't fair!' but he bit his tongue. "What do you mean?" Todd asked, his voice shaky as he fought to keep calm.

Neil let out a long breath as he shrugged and sat back down at his desk. Todd balled his fists and slammed himself down on the foot of his bed. He could comfortably go the rest of his life without speaking to Neil. Todd felt stupid; Neil didn't like him like that, he was just bored and Todd was naive and easy to be taken advantage of. He leaned back and put his face in his hands, shaking his head as he fought back tears. He wasn't just angry at himself and at Neil, but he was also angry at the world. He wanted to run outside onto the pier and curse God himself for putting him in this situation. A new school without a soul he felt comfortable around except for Neil, whose name was growing sour and ugly. Neil was the only soul Todd even considered being close with in Hell-ton, and now every drop of trust that Todd instilled into Neil was obliterated. It meant nothing to Neil, so why should it mean shit to Todd? Go figure, Neil would propagandize such hope, such endearment in Todd just to turn around and say it all meant nothing. Todd exhaled a shaky breath and ran his fingers through his hair. It was so atypical of Todd to allow himself to get this comfortable around somebody like Neil, and Todd remembered why. It was a scourge on his self-esteem. He was foolish and he was now paying for it. Is this heartbreak? Todd thought to himself as he rolled over onto his belly, hot tears slipping from his eyes.

"You ready to go get lunch?" Neil asked quietly.

"Mmh,"

"Okay, well, I'll meet you down there," Neil said. The door shut quietly behind him and Todd sprung out of his bed and stood in the middle of the room, surveying Neil's desk. He contemplated messing up what he has just worked meticulously at organizing for half an hour; he wouldn't break or destroy anything, just disorganize it enough to piss Neil off. He decided against it; Neil might've been petty and cruel, but Todd was bigger than that. He straightened out his tie and stepped out of his dormitory, following a few feet behind Neil as he walked briskly through the dark halls into the cafeteria.

"There you guys are! We were worried Nolan was gonna come over and ask," Cameron said as the boys sat beside each other. Todd forced a smile and Neil laughed.

"Don't worry, Cam," he said, "we're here now."

"About time," Meeks commented as he shoveled macaroni into his mouth.

Todd grimaced and poked at his food as he listened in on the other boys' conversation about Chris and what Knox could do to win her over. Neil smiled at Todd as Pitts and Meeks shouted about flowers and Charlie told Knox that he had to write her a letter and invite her to the meetings so he could impress her. Todd refused to meet Neil's eyes and he stared down at the table when Neil looked his way.

"Jeez, guys," Knox shook his head, "I dunno, she's really committed. I don't think she's one to cheat."

"So don't make her cheat! Make her forget who Chet even is!" Charlie jeered.

"You guys think I should bring her to a meeting?" Knox asked.

"Yes! She'd love it! You could dedicate something to her, it'd be great," Meeks grinned, glancing at Pitts for affirmation.

"Maybe I'll ask her the next time I see her," Knox said.

"Carpe Diem," Charlie said with a cock of his head as he held his glass up. "Speaking of," he added before taking a sip, "meeting tonight?"  
"Sure thing," Neil said. The others nodded along.

"Todd?" Charlie said.

"Hu--? Yeah, sure," Todd nodded.

Neil shuffled through his closet and tossed the items he took to the meetings into his bag. The book, a flashlight, a few cookies that he stole during lunch, nothing stray from the usual. He flung his scarf over his neck and wriggled into his coat. Todd watched from his wooden desk chair with his heart pounding against his ribcage and his leg bobbing fast enough to power Welton. He nipped at his fingernails, spitting them as he bit them off. He would rather die than have to go to a meeting and sit next to Neil and pretend that everything was alright when it wasn't. Nothing was alright. He'd have to sit there and 'keep track of the minutes' as the rest of the boys recited poetry in confident, booming voices. They were sure of themselves that alone made Todd green with envy; he would give the world just to be able to read his friends one of his poems without fearing they'd snicker and jeer at him. His eyes met Neil's for a fleeting moment as the lanky boy packed, and as hastily as Todd looked away, it wasn't hasty enough for his anxiety to go unnoticed by his roommate, who had grown accustomed to Todd's nervous habits. Todd stared at his feet and felt Neil's hands on his shoulders. He jerked himself away from the touch and kept his eyes down.

"Relax Todd," Neil said reassuringly, "I told you that I was sorry for being impatient with you, you know you don't have to speak if you don't want to."

Todd shrugged. He wanted to yell and scream and tell him that this had nothing to do with speaking in the meetings, that it was because he loved Neil and it hurt his chest to keep it in. He wanted to beg Neil to understand that he was the absolute love of Todd's life and that Todd would do anything just to be with him.

"C'mon pal," Neil held his hand out for Todd to take, "we gotta get moving. They're waiting on us."

Todd lifted himself from the chair and walked wordlessly past Neil, holding the door for him as they left. They walked down the hallway with synchronized footsteps that nauseated Todd. Neil cheerily greeted the rest of the boys in a whisper and they broke into a brisk walk through the barren halls and into the algid air. They had their route memorized and the boys moved quickly and silently like militiamen through the woods. They reached their cave and climbed down single-file and organized themselves into their usual positions. Neil seated himself next to Todd and smiled meekly as he brushed his hair out of his face. Todd sighed and leaned his head against the damp rock wall.

Neil commenced the meeting and Charlie started with a poem from a book he stole from the staff library. Cameron criticized him for stealing but Charlie laughed it off, telling Cameron to "Suck it!" The boys laughed and Neil glanced at Todd, whose head was still pressed against the wall as he smiled at Charlie's characteristic immaturity. Neil's hand overlapped Todd's and the moment their skin made contact Todd's heart lurched. He pulled his fingers away but Neil replaced his hands. Todd stifled his smile and his anger subsided; maybe Neil didn't despise him like he thought he did.

Knox was the next to speak. He read a poem he wrote himself about his adoration for Chris and his hopes to someday marry her and raise children with her, it was something Todd would usually brush off as just another poem about love, which it was, but the way Knox's voice oscillated as he spoke resonated with Todd, for he knew that feeling all too well. He'd give up anything just to be with Neil, he wanted nothing and nobody but Neil, he wanted Neil to love him and he wanted Neil to lay with him and kiss him and touch him, and he wanted them to fall in love together. Todd wanted Neil to be the person he married and had a family with, he wanted to be able to proudly announce to the world how insanely infatuated they were with each other, and that it didn't matter if they were both men because they were in love. Above all, Todd wanted to know how Neil felt about him now.

As the boys continued their poems, Neil gradually gravitated towards Todd until their arms were pressed together and they shared their warmth with each other. Todd kept his eyes fixed forward, still refusing to look at Neil; looking at him would make these feelings more real. It would put a face and an emotion to the person who thumbed the back of his hand underneath his long overcoat. It would put Todd back twelve steps and make him forget about how terrible Neil was. He was warm, though, so Todd allowed himself to sit close to him, but only for warmth.

After what seemed like an eternity, Todd's stopwatch beeped to signal that it had been two hours since the meeting began. Neil stood up, leaving Todd cold and alone, and concluded the meeting. The boys spilled out of the cave with all of their belongings chattering about the stand-out pieces. Todd crossed his arms as he lagged behind the others and even though he hated Neil with every fiber of his being, he hoped that he would put his arm around Todd's shoulder so that Todd could lean his head against his chest and they could share warmth again.


	8. viii

“Todd Anderson,” a woman said as she opened the door to the dorm, “your parents are here to visit.” She forced a smile.  
Todd tossed his chemistry notebook to the foot of his bed, discarding the formula he was working on. He stood with a groan, trudging out of the room. Today was his birthday- he was turning 17 and this was the first time his parents had come to visit since his first day when they were required to attend. He ambled through the halls, his head hung and his hands buried in the pockets of his trousers. With a deep inhale, he pushed open the door to the visitor’s room, forcing a smile upon seeing his mother and father sat on a stiff red loveseat. “Hi,” he uttered quietly.  
“Hello, Todd!” His mother smiled, standing up to kiss him on his cheek. His father held a hand up as a greeting. Todd mimicked the gesture and seated himself in the brown chair opposite from his parents.  
“Happy Birthday, honey!” His mom continued, holding out a desk set adorned with a yellow ribbon.  
“Thanks,” Todd muttered, taking the desk set from his mother’s hands. It was embellished with the same silver paint as the one he had received last year, and upon further investigation, was the exact same set that his parents gave him last year. Disappointment settled in his stomach as he held the set in his lap, his cheeks aching as he held a faux closed-mouthed smile to appease his parents.   
“So that you can keep up with those grades.” His father mumbled.   
Todd nodded wordlessly, bouncing his feet as he ransacked his mind for a prompt for a conversation worth engaging in.   
“Has Jeff called you?” Mother asked.  
Todd exhaled the breath he held. He knew this was coming. He shook his head no.  
“Oh! What a shame. He’s in the top 3 of his class! They say he’s going to be one of the best lawyers in America! Isn’t that wonderful, Todd?”   
“Good for him,” Todd said quietly.  
“Yes! God, you should be proud of your brother! He’s making such a great life for himself. You really should be looking up to him.” His mother beamed. His father smiled and nodded along.   
“I am, I am,” Todd nodded. He held his tongue between his teeth and focused his eyes on a loose floorboard.   
Silence fell between the three and the disconnect between Todd and his parents hung heavy in the air. He knew they were aware of it- how couldn’t they be? He had no idea what to speak about. Any conversation that didn’t revolve around Jeffery was empty and draining. His father shifted in his chair, clearing his throat.  
“Okay, well, we hope you have a good birthday,” he said as he got on his feet, “your mother and I love you lots. Give us a call, maybe we can all go out to dinner- Jeff, us, and you.”   
“Alright,” Todd said quietly, “thank you.”  
“Of course, sweetheart,” his mother planted a kiss on his forehead before she exited the room behind his father.   
Todd turned the desk set in his hands. He waited a minute before leaving the visiting room. He moved on auto-pilot toward the bridge that connected the main campus to the dorms. As he briskly strode to the stony fixture, he bit back tears. It was his birthday, couldn’t his parents shut up about Jeffery for just ten minutes? He sat down with his back against the cold stone, facing the setting sun. Couldn’t they see he was trying? He wanted to be as good as Jeff; he didn’t want to live in his shadow. It was as if anything that Todd accomplished meant nothing to his parents; they couldn’t care less. They wanted nothing to do with him. He doubted that they even wanted him around.  
“Todd?” Todd was pulled from his thoughts. Neil strode merrily toward him. “Hey!”  
“Hey,” Todd mumbled, clicking his pen once more.  
“What’s going on?” His tone was cheery, but embellished with concern.  
“Nothing,” Todd shrugged, “today’s my birthday.”  
“Today’s your birthday?”  
“Mmm,”  
“Happy birthday!”  
“Thanks.”   
Neil situated himself in front of Todd. “What’d you get?”  
“My parents gave me this,” Todd gestured toward the desk set sitting beside him.   
Neil’s brows furrowed as he studied the set. “Isn’t this the same desk set-”  
“-Yeah, yeah.” Todd sighed, “They gave me the same thing as last year.” He let his disappointment become evident in his tone.   
“Oh,”  
“Oh.” Todd repeated.   
Neil’s frown broke into a giggle, “Maybe they thought you needed another one.”   
“Maybe they weren’t thinking anything at all.” Todd scoffed, “Funny thing is I-I didn’t even like it the first time.” He knew that he could complain all he wanted around Neil- he wouldn’t object. For as terrible as Neil could be, he was never one to silence Todd’s woes or allow him to go unheard. Maybe that’s why he loved him.  
“Todd,” Neil said gently, “I think you’re underestimating the value of this desk set.” He picked the set up and twirled it around in his hands, squinting as he examined it closely. “Imean, who would want a football or, a baseball, or-”  
“-or a car,” Todd’s grimace broke into a smile.  
“-or a car- when they can have a desk set as wonderful as this one?” Sarcasm littered his tone, “I mean, if, if I were ever going to buy a desk set-” he paused, “-twice. I would probably buy this one both times!”  
Todd giggled, gazing up at Neil as he tossed the desk set in his hands, “In fact, it's shape is, it's rather aerodynamic, isn't it?” He jeered, “I can feel it. This desk set wants to fly.”  
The blond stood up and Neil handed him the set. It was warm with Neil’s touch.   
“Todd? The world’s first unmanned flying desk set!” Neil beamed.  
Todd tossed the desk set over the edge of the bridge, watching as the neatly organized papers and pens erupted into a mess of stationery on the walkway below. The boys laughed, their eyes meeting as Todd turned away from the cathartic sight to face Neil, who promptly slung his arm around Todd’s shoulders, pulling him closer to his side. Compulsively, Todd leaned his head against Neil’s shoulder.   
“Forget about them, you don’t need ‘em. You have me,” Neil enveloped Todd in a hug, holding him tightly in his arms, “you’ll always have me.”   
Todd nestled his face into Neil’s chest, taking the time to inhale the faint smell of his cologne. He allowed himself to collapse into Neil’s body, closing his eyes as they rocked gently on the balls of their feet. The frustration that boiled in Todd’s gut simmered down to comfort- enamorment.  
“Next year, for sure, I’ll get you something,” Neil’s chest buzzed as he spoke, “November 18th. I’ll mark it down.”   
Todd knew he shouldn’t be so foolish; he shouldn’t allow himself to fall victim to Neil’s lies and his manipulation. He knew that Neil only wanted someone to validate him and affirm that he was talented and beautiful; he only wanted to know that he was attractive in someone’s eyes. Todd just happened to be the poor soul who was naive and insecure enough to fall for him.  
Still, he let himself press his body closer to Neil’s as he closed his eyes, listening through the hollow November wind to hear his heartbeat.

Neil paced back and forth in the gap between their beds, his voice quiet and raspy as he muttered his lines, repeating the ones he deemed unsatisfactory until he managed to place emphasis on just the right syllable. His voice was easy on the ears; it was melodic. Todd could listen to Neil speak for hours about everything and nothing all at once. With every inflection of his tone and every strained syllable, Todd’s heart swelled in his chest. He undoubtedly loved Neil. He was perhaps the most beautiful boy he’d ever met, and despite all of his flaws and the pain that he inflicted upon Todd, he still loved Neil with every part of his being.  
Without thought, Todd scribbled down just how he felt in effortlessly eloquent lines. As he concluded a line, he placed his notebook down in his lap and gazed up at Neil, who situated himself near the window. He stood with his head leaned against the slanted wall near their window and his script clasped against his chest, his tired eyes fixated on the dark sky. Todd’s heart fluttered in his ribcage. It would be stupid of him to deny that Neil looked ethereal. His sharp features were exaggerated by the warm glow of Todd’s lamp, his downward-slanting lips sitting in a pout. Neil drew in a staggered breath, closing his eyes. Surely he was aware of Todd’s gaze at this point; he was allowing him to look. He savored the moment, as he knew that Neil would confront him shortly.  
“Neil,” Todd muttered, opting not to delay the inevitable. Neil blinked, just his eyes moving to Todd.  
God.  
“Can you tell me how this is?” Todd asked, holding out his notebook. The subject of the poem was obvious, but Todd didn’t care. He wanted Neil to know- needed him to know just how wonderful he was.   
“Sure,” Neil smiled as he took the poem from Todd’s hands. His lips moved as he read, his eyes meticulously scanning the page. His brows furrowed as he finished reading and handed it back to Todd. His eyes hastily darted over Todd’s face. Todd’s stomach churned.   
“You wrote that?” Neil asked, his face still screwed up.  
Todd nodded.   
“Todd, that’s beautiful,” he gasped as he picked the notebook back up, “-I loved him with a cheek turned to imperfection and doubt that howled and moaned,” he read in an animated, gentle tone, “Holy shit.”   
“Thanks,”   
“You should show Keating,”   
“Huh?”  
“Yeah! He’d love it!”   
“I’d have to change the pronouns…” Todd muttered. How had Neil not picked up on it?   
“D’you really think he’d care? Haven’t you read any Whitman?” Neil smirked.  
He wasn’t wrong; Whitman openly professed his love for men in his poems.   
“I guess,”   
“Trust me. I talk to him all the time. He won’t care.” Neil says.   
The pair fall silent. Neil doesn’t move from his spot in front of Todd. The blond stared at the blanket hanging off Neil’s bed, the feeling of the other boy’s eyes on him was suffocating.   
“Todd?” He said finally.   
Todd’s eyes didn't move, “Hmm?”  
“Who’s the poem about--if- if you don't mind me asking?” There it was.   
“Why does it matter?” Todd scoffed, leaning back against the wall.  
Neil didn’t reply.  
“Is it about me?”  
“N-Neil, it doesn't matter,” Todd stammered hurriedly, looking Neil in the eyes in a desperate attempt to make his lie convincing.   
“Okay, Todd,” Neil smiled. He took a step toward the blond and gingerly placed a hand on his head, entwining his fingers gently in his hair, running his hand through. Before he could reach the back of his neck, Todd pulled himself away and quickly picked up his notebook, scribbling revisions down as he put up a pathetic attempt to ignore Neil.   
The brown-haired boy sighed and seated himself next to Todd, leaning his head delicately in his lap. Instinctually, Todd brushed through Neil’s hair with his fingers, looking down at him as he closed his eyes and inhaled a staggered breath.  
“You really should show Keating,” he whispered.  
“Maybe,” Todd murmured. Though he loved the flamboyant, excitable Neil, Todd adored the gentle, soft Neil that only seemed to show face when he was especially tired or after the boys shared an intimate moment together, like when they sat on the dock alone together or on the nights where they’d stay up late chatting after lights out.   
“You should,” Neil shifted in his lap, the friction agitating Todd. He bit his tongue and urged his boner away, knowing that if he got hard there was no way in Hell that Neil wouldn’t be painfully aware of it.  
“It’s supposed to be really cold tonight,” Neil said as he propped himself up on his elbow, looking up at Todd with big, glassy eyes.   
“Yeah,” Todd nodded, folding his hands over his lap.   
“The heat in here is shit,”  
“Is it?”   
“Yeah. What time is it?” Neil turned his head toward the clock on Todd’s nightstand.   
“Ten.”   
“Ah, lights out,” Neil reached over and placed his script on Todd’s table. “We should probably share body heat; these blankets don’t do shit.”   
“They don’t?” Todd’s heart jumped into his throat.   
“No. Move over, I’ll get the light,” Neil said nonchalantly, groaning as he clicked the lamp on Todd’s nightstand off. He sighed as he situated himself next to Todd, his cold hands finding themselves around Todd’s waist, his front pressed against Todd’s back as he shifted, breathy groans sounding in his throat. Todd laid there, tense, as Neil wiggled himself into place behind Todd. As the other boy settled down, Todd let his shoulders relax and exhaled the breath that he held in his chest. The shape of his body fit perfectly into the curvature of Neil’s and as they shared body heat and their heartbeats synched while they drifted to sleep, for the first time in a long while, Todd felt at home.


	9. ix

With his heart thudding in his chest and his poem crumpled as he held it tightly in his hand, Todd knocked on the door to Keating’s room. He didn’t reply. Todd rocked on the balls of his feet, counting down from five before knocking again.  
“Come in!”   
Todd held his lower lip between his teeth, biting down as he reached for the handle and shakily turned it, holding his breath as he slowly pushed open the door. Keating sat at his desk, a candle burning beside him as he worked meticulously at what appeared to be a letter, jazz tunes resonating from a record player in the corner. He didn’t look up as Todd made his way into the room, clearing his throat as he stepped closer.   
“Mr. Keating?” He said weakly. Keating glanced in Todd’s direction, holding his pointer finger up as he scribbled down the final few words of his letter and promptly set his pen down.  
“Todd!” Keating shouted, disrupting the quiet ambiance.   
“Hi- yeah- uh, sorry to bother,” Todd stammered, thumbing the paper in his hand.  
“Oh, you’re not a bother. I wasn’t that busy anyway. What do you need Mr. Anderson?” Keating turned his body to face the boy, one leg crossed over the other and his hands folded in his lap.  
“I- I was just wondering if you’d read this poem for me,” Todd handed the crumpled paper to Keating, staring at his shoes, “I’ve been working on it and Neil says I should show you.” He choked on the last syllable as his teacher unfolded the paper. His eyes scanned the page as he ran his thumb over his lower lip, furrowing his eyebrows as he read. Todd swallowed the bile rising in his throat and inhaled a shaky breath, tapping his fingers together as he stared at the ground, refusing to look at Keating for more of a fraction of a second.  
“You wrote this?” He marvelled.   
“Huh? Yeah,” Todd nodded jerkily.   
“This is beautiful,”  
“Thank you, Captain.”   
Keating handed the paper back to Todd, “You wouldn’t be willing to share this in class tomorrow, would you?”   
“Ah- I don’t think so- I’m sorry,” Todd gestured with his hands as he scrambled to form a sentence, “it’s just-”  
“I really think you should,” Keating smiled warmly, “this is wonderful.”  
“I really don’t think I can, I’m sorry.”   
“Perhaps you’ll decide by the end of the year that you’ll want to,” Keating suggested.   
“No, sir. Thank you.” Todd forced a smile to lighten his tone.  
Keating leaned back in his chair, sighing. “You’ve got a real talent, Mr. Anderson.”   
“Thank you, sir.” Todd’s smile was not forced.  
“You should embrace it. You’re a brilliant boy, Todd, you’re going to go on to do truly great things. Don’t let your fears hold you back.” Keating said, standing and clapping the boy on the shoulder.   
“Thank you,” Todd smiled, still avoiding his teacher’s gaze.  
“Do you need anything else? You’re welcome to stay,”   
“No, thank you.” Todd racked his brain for other ways of saying thank you.   
“Well, if you need anything, you know where to find me,” Keating smiled.  
“Yessir, I appreciate it.” Todd smiled and turned on the balls of his feet and exited. He grinned to himself as he walked through the dim halls. Somehow Keating being proud of him felt so much more important than anything his parents had ever done. Neil was right, Keating was great to talk to. He replayed the moment in his head as he walked back to his room.   
He walked into a space void of Neil. It became more often that Todd would have the room to himself in the afternoons, as Neil was typically gone until 7:30 at drama practice. Todd took this time to catch up on homework without his roommate blabbering about practice or the Dead Poets Society. Todd never minded hearing Neil speak, but it was refreshing to have a few hours just to himself to exist in his own company.  
It was not long after Todd began working on his second assignment of the night that Neil slammed open the door, an ear-to-ear grin consuming his face. Todd couldn’t help but smile in an instinctual response. He turned around in his chair as Neil made his way into the room.  
Neil threw his bag onto his bed, exclaiming, “The show is in a month! A month!” He tossed his script and miscellaneous props onto his desk. “I’m so excited!”   
Todd stands to greet Neil, who excitedly throws his arms around Todd’s body. He rocks back and forth, Todd still in his arms as he spun around. He pulled away, his hands still firmly placed on Todd’s shoulders as he shouted the lines that were now ingrained into Todd’s memory. Todd grins and mouths along with Neil. In an instant, Neil’s face moved forward. Todd jerked his head back, his brows furrowed.   
“No, I can't,” Todd pulled away from Neil, stepping towards the door.  
“What? You can’t do what?” Neil pleaded.   
“This, Neil!” The blond shouted, frustration boiling in his gut, “You’ve been playing with my emotions like- like I’m just someone you can flirt with when you’re bored!”  
“What are you talking about?” Neil’s face was desperate, his eyes darting across Todd’s expression as he searched for any sign of jocularity.   
“You’ve been doing this for weeks now, I’m not stupid!” Todd shouted, “After we played soccer and you just got all close to me, at the meetings when you’d try to hold my hand, for God’s sake, last night when you slept next to me! And when you kissed me? And just now? I can't do this anymore, Neil!” His voice sounded foreign as he yelled.  
Neil’s face stooped to a frown, “I- I’m sorry,” he jabbered, “I didn't mean for it to be like that,”  
“Then how was it supposed to be, huh?” Tears welled in Todd’s eyes as he gestured wildly with his hands, his voice shrill, “You expected me to just be okay with this-- fuck, Neil!” A tear slipped down Todd’s cheek as his eyes locked with Neil’s,”You know I have feelings for you! You’re fucking around with me and I can’t take it!”  
The silence in the room hung thick.  
“Todd,” Neil sighs, “I- I-- you know I care about you,”  
“Bullshit! You just like the attention!”  
“Todd-”  
“Todd!” The blond mocked in a shrill voice, “I’m done with you treating me like-”  
“Jesus, stop! I’m not toying with you, oh my God,” Neil pleaded.  
“What the fuck do you call all that then?” Todd’s face was hot and his tears slipped easily down his face.  
“Christ, Todd, I love you!” Neil shouted.   
Todd fell silent, blinking out another tear. His heart sank to his feet and his feet cemented themselves to the ground. Neil stood across from him, his lip quivering. He appeared naked while clothed; completely vulnerable. His shoulders slouched and his eyes were wide, like a petrified puppy.   
“I love you too,” Todd exhaled.   
In a heartbeat, the boys lurched toward each other, their lips crashing into each other. They worked in unison, the boys stumbling backward onto Neil’s bed, their lips refusing to part. Neil situated himself on top of Todd, breaking their kiss to smile down at the blond. Todd grinned in response, leaning up to resume their kiss. 

The pair became engrossed in each other, laughing through kisses and whispers of “I love yous”. The passage of time lost all meaning; the only thing that mattered was each other. Todd was intoxicated by the feel of Neil’s lips against his own, the gentle touch of Neil’s hands on his cheeks and hips; he was enamored by the way Neil gazed down at him, the light being emitted from reading lamp attached to his headboard illuminating his features to make him look so much more ethereal than Todd ever remembered him being- perhaps it was his disheveled hair or his swollen lips, or the gentle gaze he cast down on Todd. Above all, it was probably the fact that he was Neil’s and Neil was his.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI im back with one of the laziest chapters ive ever done <3 they'll get better i promise i just needed something to post

“Hey Todd,” Neil said from his desk, pausing briefly as if contemplating the gravity of his next word, “darling.”

Upon hearing the nickname, Todd’s heart jumped into his throat and he immediately sat upright at his desk. The idea of Neil feeling the same as him, although true, was an idea that felt so foreign to him. It seemed like it was too good to be true; he pined after Neil for months and he so easily became  _ his _ . His Neil… His heart warmed at the thought and he pressed his lips together to smother a goofy grin as he walked to Neil’s desk and rested his chin atop his head. 

“How do you do this?” Neil asked softly, pointing to a chemistry equation. 

Todd answered quickly, pointing to each letter as he explained. 

“Oh,” Neil said curtly, “that was stupid of me. Thank you, dear.” 

Todd smiled, pressing his lips to the top of Neil’s head. His chest swelled with the sound of the endearing nickname. He wanted to urge Neil to speak again in hopes of hearing it once more but Todd knew that one word would lead to hundreds and both of them were falling behind on their assignments. He retreated to his desk to finish the last of his Latin homework that he had toiled away on for… 

He glanced at his wristwatch. 

Nearly three hours now. 

Fortunately, Todd managed to wrap up within 10 minutes, and immediately after closing his textbook, he moved to sit at the foot of Neil’s bed with his back pressed against the wall. Neil did not break concentration to look at Todd. His eyebrows remained furrowed beneath his glasses and he mouthed words to himself, thudding the eraser of his pencil against the paper that he worked on. 

Todd did not know that it was possible for someone to look so beautiful while being so unaware of it. There was no part of Neil that was trying to look good- not in the slightest- his hair was pushed back and untidy, his shirt remained partially unbuttoned and his collar folded. Still, he looked prettier than anything Todd had ever seen. No sunset or fresh snowfall or foggy rain could ever top the unrefined beauty of Neil Perry. 

“You alright?” Neil’s Chemistry Trance was finally broken.

“Y-yeah,” Todd nodded, adjusting his posture as heat rushed to his cheeks, “Sorry. I was spacing out.” 

“Don’t apologize.”

Todd leaned over and scanned his page. 

“You almost done?”

“Yeeee-ah,” Neil said hesitantly, “if not, I’ll just copy from Meeks.”

A smile spanned Todd’s face and he held his arms out as an invitation for Neil. The other boy wasted no time curling up on Todd’s lap, tucking his nose into the crook of his neck, and exhaling a breath that tickled the fuzzy hairs that sprouted on Todd’s chest. He closed his eyes, bathing in the feeling of Neil’s body pressed against his; his eyelashes fluttering against the sensitive skin on his neck, the gentle rise and fall of his chest, the slight tap of his fingertips against Todd’s sweater-clad bicep. With every minuscule movement, Todd loved Neil just a little more. At this rate, he’d be absolutely head over heels by the time they fell asleep. Perhaps he already was. 

Todd hugged Neil closer to him as if his fingers clinging to the fabric of Neil’s shirt was the only thing keeping the boy from plummeting to his death. He waited for Neil to laugh and tell him, _ You don’t have to hold on so tight- I’m not going anywhere! _ But he only moved closer, reaching up to press a kiss to the space in between Todd’s eyes. Upon pulling away he blinked slowly, holding Todd’s face in his hands. He caressed his cheek with his thumb, smiling softly. 

“So pretty,” Neil murmured.

Todd shook his head, leaning his face into Neil’s palm. 

“Yes…”

Todd kissed the heel of Neil’s hand, holding his wrist and closing his eyes to savor the warmth that radiated from his hands.

“Oh, Todd.” Neil’s voice was hushed as if an audience surrounded them and this message wasn’t to be heard by anybody but Todd. “I have loved you for so long.” 

“Really?” The blond faced Neil again.

“Yes! God, yes,” He scoffed, “ever since the first night you spent here I knew I loved you.” 

“Seriously?”

“I just couldn’t admit it,” He added, so quietly that Todd wasn’t sure if he was supposed to hear.

“Me too.”

“I never would’ve known. You’re so closed off, I’d’ve had no idea.” 

“Well, I thought I was just being an idiot about the whole thing.”

“What’d you mean?” Neil furrowed his brows. 

“I couldn’t ever tell if you were being nice or flirting,” Todd laughed. 

Neil laughed, “You never gave me much to work with!”

“I was nervous!” 

“That day on the pier?” Neil inquired. 

“What about it?” Todd knew exactly what Neil was referring to.

“Were you upset because of me?” 

Todd hesitated. 

“Yeah.” 

“Oh!” Neil pulled Todd into a hug, grasping at the back of his sweater like he was about to lose him. 

They stayed like that for a few moments before Neil shifted so they faced each other yet again. Todd’s heart skipped a beat when his eyes caught Neil’s.

“There’s still a meeting tonight?” Todd asked. 

Neil nodded, “I’d rather stay here with you though.”

Todd smiled bashfully before peppering kisses on Neil’s face, earning a giggle from his boyfriend. Neil pulled away and began to gather his things into his bag, leaving Todd with a cold loneliness that was formerly occupied by their closeness. He stood up and kissed Neil’s shoulder once more, desperate for a physical connection to him; it was magnetic. 

-

Charlie brought two girls to the meeting, which baffled the rest of the boys and forced Neil to prove just how talented of an actor he really was. Todd made it a habit to underreact to most things as to not draw any excess attention to himself. In the beginning of the meeting, Charlie drew a shape onto either of his cheeks with lipstick that he snagged from one of the girls and proudly dubbed himself ‘Nuwanda’. The boys laughed at him and he looked disheartened for a split second before his flamboyant speech continued without missing a beat. Todd enjoyed the show that Charlie put on, but the only thing he could focus on was the closeness he shared with Neil and the way that he looked to Todd to make sure that he was laughing and how he’d nudge him to make sure he was paying attention. Luckily for the pair, everyone else was too distracted by the women in the room to notice their fingers intertwined on their laps. Despite the frigid air around them, Todd felt warm for the first time in years. 


	11. Chapter 11

Todd and Neil managed to get a pass to leave campus that night. They both had enough merits on account of some community service they had each completed and they lied about going out to see a film. Truthfully, neither had any interest in the sorts- they just wanted to leave campus without having to sneak away. Todd took his time picking out a nice outfit nonetheless; he threw on a cable-knit sweater that his brother had given to him because he no longer fit into it. Todd had yet to wear it but decided that a date with Neil was the perfect opportunity. 

Neil did not waste any time readying himself. He wound up being dressed twenty minutes before Todd even dug his sweater out of his closet. He looked stunning. Todd found moments where Neil was occupied with reading over lines or gazing out the window to admire him. He wore a dark turtleneck that made his already-prominent cheekbones stand out more than usual. After studying the angelic boy whose lips moved with tiny whispers that tumbled from his lips as he gazed wistfully out the frost-lined window, Todd figured that the only word that could accurately describe him was  _ ethereal _ . Todd pulled on his sweater as quickly as possible as to not waste a second that he could spend gazing at Neil, who had yet to notice Todd’s gaze, as he was deeply engaged in muttering his lines just loud enough so that if you really strained your ears and stood perfectly still you could almost hear what he was saying. 

Just as Todd began to understand Neil’s whispers the ethereal boy perked up. 

“Were you waiting on me?” He asked, his tone apologetic.

“Not really. I just finished getting ready like two seconds ago,” Todd replied, his cheeks heating up. 

“You’re sure?” A smirk danced on Neil’s lips. He hopped off the radiator and tossed his script down on his bed. 

Todd nodded, closing his eyes when Neil pressed a kiss to his forehead, his hands found themselves on either side of Todd’s face. He smiled sheepishly and tucked his forehead into the crook of Neil’s neck, Neil pulling his arms around Todd. Just as he sunk into Neil’s embrace- just for a moment- the pressure in his chest subsided and he was safe. 

“You ready to go?” Neil asked softly after a few moments.

Todd nodded and pulled apart from Neil, his heart jumping in his chest when their eyes met. Prior to meeting Neil, he thought that only happened in romance novels. 

They were dropped off outside of the theater with the stern note of “You both better be back here by nine sharp. No exceptions” before they were allowed to go off alone. They waited for Nolan to pull away before they walked in the opposite direction, away from the movie theater. 

Neil’s hand brushed Todd’s slightly, almost teasingly as the couple walked down the street, their breaths billowing out in little clouds from their mouths.

“I don’t think I’ve ever loved anyone so…” Neil paused, his eyes darting around the sky, “... dangerous as you.” He chuckled. 

“What’s that mean?” Todd laughed nervously. 

“C’mon,” Neil nudged Todd, “not  _ you _ , per se, but what we’re doing.” 

“Yeah.” Todd winced. He wished that Neil hadn’t brought up the societal sensitivity of their love. “Who else have you been with?” He had to change the subject. 

“Ah, some girl from summer school.” Neil tucked his chin into his chest, shuddering as a bitey wind blew past. “She wasn’t actually into me, I don't think. There was another girl before her when I was in intermediate school. We were thirteen though, so how serious could it have been?” He started to laugh but was interrupted by a wind-induced cough. 

“I-I’ve never loved anyone like I loved you,” Todd said quietly.

“Your one girlfriend?”

“I don’t think I actually loved her.” Their arms pressed together now, providing some

warmth against the bitter wind. 

“How come?”

“She was mean to me,” Todd giggled to ward away the thought of her prodding insults at 

him. 

Neil dipped into an empty park. A few benches lined the square that was lit by dim

amber lights which flickered if you looked at them for too long. The light provided was just bright enough to see in front of you though, and that’s all the pair needed. Neil gazed over both shoulders before taking Todd’s hands into his own. Todd leaned against him, exhaling the breath that he held in his chest.

“I can’t wait to see my cats again,” Todd said.

“You have cats?” Neil beamed.

The blond boy nodded, pressing himself against Neil. “I have a dog named Newton and two cats, Peggy-Sue and Mr. Beans.”

“Oh, I love it! I have to meet them over winter break!”

“I didn’t realize you were such an animal guy.”

“Oh I love them,” Neil pulled away to pace around the park. He and Todd’s pinkies remained interlocked as he twirled, “I want a dog so badly. Of course, my father says it’s a waste of time.”  
“Screw him!” Todd smiled, “You can come over and play with him. I like my cats a little better anyway.”

“Peggy-Sue and Mr. Beans?” Neil said teasingly, now hopping to each crack in the pavement. He released his finger from Todd’s to do so. 

“I-I named them when I was like, eleven.” Todd’s cheeks flushed. 

Neil hopped over to Todd to plant a gentle kiss on his nose. “I think it’s very cute,” he said quietly as if it was confidential information. 

Todd tilted his chin up, finding Neil’s gaze with his own. Their lips lingered an inch apart, but neither boy moved to close the gap between them. Todd ached to kiss Neil, though it seemed as if kissing him was something that was to only occur while they were shut away in their dorm, without any chance of being seen. A boy’s lips against another boy’s was the most shameful sin one could commit, and though Todd would gladly spend an eternity in hell to be with Neil for just as long as their finite lives allowed, he was terrified to his core of the mortal consequence of being caught. Todd blinked, leaving his eyes closed for a moment longer than he usually would’ve, just in case Neil’s lips found themselves against his own. He opened his eyes and saw Neil in just the same position as before, his expression darker. Todd furrowed his brows quizzically. 

“I really do hate my father,” Neil said quietly, with almost a tinge of guilt. 

“Hate?” Todd stepped away from Neil, glancing over his shoulder nervously.

“God, yes. I don’t throw that word around either. He has never let me do what I want- ever- and I swear to god if he found out I was with another boy, God, he’d take me out back and blow my brains out.”  
“Fuck, Neil!” Todd gasped, screwing up his face.

“It’s true! You know it’s true!”

Todd sighed, “Only a few more years until you can leave him.” 

“Hah!” Neil rolled his eyes, “To go off and be a doctor? Dr. Perry? I’d rather rip my fingernails out.”

“I-I’m sorry, Neil,” Todd stepped toward him again, still not daring to make physical contact, “at least Dr. Perry has a nice ring to it.” 

Neil didn’t say anything for a while. He stared at the ground with a blank expression, as if trying to suppress the idea of a future outside of acting.

“Enough about that. Let’s enjoy now,” he said finally, the life flooding into his eyes again.

Todd smiled, the pit forming in his gut upon seeing Neil upset dissipating. Neil checked the entrance to the park before pulling Todd further, to a wooded area where the light didn’t quite reach. Todd scoffed to expel the breath that he held nervously in his chest. He turned to ask  _ why _ they were in such a secluded area, though he knew exactly why he wanted to hear Neil confirm- just to be sure- but before he could open his mouth to ask, Neil’s hands were on his face and their lips sunk into each other. Todd stepped so that his back was pressed against a tree and Neil’s hand trailed down to his waist, his fingertips tickling his skin as they moved delicately across his skin. Todd’s core fluttered and he leaned his hips forward, pulling Neil in by his waist so that their hips pressed against each other, providing just enough friction to sponsor a hard-on from both parties. 

Todd parted to exhale a shaky breath and Neil took the opportunity to move his kisses down to Todd’s neck, earning a shaky exhale from the blond when Neil struck an area that sent a warm chill through his body. Todd closed his eyes and lolled his head to the side, allowing Neil better access to the side of his neck. His fingers squeezed involuntarily at Neil’s sides, which drew him in closer.

“Neil,” Todd’s breath was shakier than he anticipated, “we’re gonna get caught.”

“Shhh,” Neil’s breath tickled the sensitive skin on Todd’s neck and he shuddered again, running a hand through Neil’s hair.

“Neil,” Todd repeated, tugging his head back, “I’m being serious. We can’t get caught.”

A low whine roused in Neil’s throat as he tucked the bridge of his nose into the crook of Todd’s neck. “I know,” he murmured, “I wish the beds at Welton weren’t so damn creaky.” 

Todd swallowed the lump in his throat and shifted against the butterflies that erupted in his belly. He nodded, not wanting to process Neil’s statement in fear of becoming too needy. 

“What time is it?” He asked quietly.

“We have fifteen minutes.” 

Without hesitation Todd resumed their kiss with the same passion as before, knotting his fingers in the longer part of Neil’s hair. He always anticipated kissing to be terrifying and dreadful, but kissing Neil felt so  _ right _ . It made sense. 

The car ride back to Welton generated a tensity so heavy both boys were positive that their driver was at least acutely aware of it. Neil’s hand found itself on Todd’s thigh, where it traced shapes on the inside and earned sighs from Todd, who got to the point where he was about to whisper to Neil to cut it out. Fortunately, they arrived at Welton just as Todd was about to formulate the sentence and both boys walked to their dorm so briskly that they tripped over their own feet. They whipped into their dorm and immediately indulged in a deep, desperate kiss. Upon making it behind closed doors, Todd figured that there was no way in Hell that the man driving didn’t see them- or at least take notice of Todd’s sighs. He knew. He knew and he was going to tell Nolan and both boys were going to be expelled and their parents would know that each of their sons are dirty fags. Dirty fags who can’t even keep their antics in private. Suddenly Todd felt unclean.

“Todd,” Neil’s voice was breathy as he whispered with his lips brushing against Todd’s earlobe, “d’ya wanna jam the door?”

Todd swallowed heavily. He shook his head.

“No?”

“No.”  
“How come?” Neil’s voice was desperate and he worked kisses onto Todd’s jaw.

“I- Neil- please not now,” Anxiety bubbled up in Todd’s gut and he stepped backward, still shaking his head.

Neil’s face dropped and he frowned, “I’m sorry Todd,” he whispered.

“It-it's okay.” Nausea washed out any hint of arousal in Todd’s being and he clamped his hand over his mouth, swallowing the bile that rose in his throat. He turned on his heel and slipped into the washroom, not bothering to turn on the lights. He stumbled over his own feet to reach a stall where he emptied the contents of his stomach. 

He grew cold. It started with his core and branched out to his chest, and then to his arms, and finally his face. Still, despite the chill that smothered him, Todd’s forehead managed to break out in a sweat. He saw double and as his fingers began to tremble more than usual it seemed he had no choice but to rest his head on the steel wall of the stall. He stared ahead and let his head go blank as to not review the guilt that was begging to be acknowledged.

“Todd?”  
He ignored it. 

“Todd?” 

_ Shut up _ .

Neil’s hand rested on his shoulder. He knew it was Neil’s without even looking back; nobody else would know to touch him so gently while he was overwhelmed. 

“C’mon, we gotta get to bed before the monitor gets pissed.”

Todd sighed and accepted Neil’s outstretched hand as he pulled himself up. He trailed behind Neil as they returned to their room and wordlessly changed his clothes immediately upon closing the door.

“I’m sorry for upsetting you,” Neil’s face drooped when he was sad.

“It wasn’t you, Neil,” Todd murmured as he climbed into his own bed, “I’m sorry for killing the mood.”

“That’s okay. We have all the time in the world.” 

-

“Man,” Charlie said through a mouthful of meat, “I didn’t think this shit could get any worse- then they give us lukewarm meatloaf!” 

“I don’t think it’s too bad,” Cameron shrugged. 

“Of course you don’t,” Neil added with a hasty glance at Todd to confirm that he was amused. 

Todd laughed, leaning his head in Neil’s direction but taking care as to not let his head make contact with his shoulder. He was aware of Charlie’s gaze on him and the smirk that danced on the left side of his face. Todd stiffened again and took a bite of his apple. Charlie diverted his gaze and shouted some snarky remark to Meeks and Todd let his shoulders fall. There was no way in Hell for Charlie to have any idea about him and Neil. Neil and Charlie were close- they had been best friends since intermediate school- but Neil wouldn’t be so careless as to let their secret out. Todd blinked the thoughts of the possible consequences of news getting around that he and Neil were closer than friends, but they demanded to be heard. Against Todd’s will, his mind wandered to the absolute torment and ostracization they would face. They’d be expelled from Welton and worse, forced to face their parents. Todd stiffened with the thought of his father’s reaction. He’d be excommunicated, of course, and undoubtedly kicked out of the house. Todd winced and almost immediately after Neil rested his hand reassuringly on his thigh, his eyebrows furrowed in concern.

“You alright?” He asked quietly, leaning down to ensure that nobody else could hear.

Todd nodded, taking another glance toward Charlie. He was looking again. Todd brushed Neil’s hand away.

Unoffended, Neil jumped back into the action at the table. Todd prodded at the food that remained on his plate, doing his best to ignore Charlie’s piercing gaze, which seared a hole straight through him. He knew. He knew. He knew.

The boys were dismissed from lunch and Todd hurried back to his dorm. Neil followed at his heels, still bantering with the rest of the Dead Poets. He was unbothered. How could he not care? 

“Hey, Neil!” Charlie called as the group turned the corner to their dorms. Neil stopped

and Todd did too, standing closely behind him. _ Way to ward off attention _ , he thought bitterly. It was too late to turn and leave now though.

“What’s the matter?” Neil chirped, glancing over his shoulder with what Todd interpreted as a cautionary look.

“I gotta talk to you about something.” Charlie looked at Todd when he said that. With a quiet goodbye, Todd turned on his heels and ducked into his dorm.

He knew.

He knew.

He knew.

There was no way Charlie didn’t know- he wasn’t a fucking moron. Charlie was observant and intuitive. He was also best friends with Neil and would undoubtedly be aware of something that Neil was hiding from him. Charlie wasn’t a snitch though- he wouldn’t tell anyone.

Or would he?

Maybe he was so disgusted by the fact that his best friend was a queer that he would just  _ have _ to tell someone. But at Welton, you tell one person and you’ve told everyone. And something like this wasn’t just a silly little rumor that could be spread. This was he and Neil’s lives at stake. 

Todd sat down on his bed and pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes. The moment his mind went blank tears cascaded from his eyes and sobs racked his body.

Neil and Todd were dead boys walking. 


End file.
